My Life as a Slave to The Tristan

damn right

2008-07-26T11:03:00.001-07:00

A GODZILLA ROLL!

2008-04-09T10:15:00.001-07:00

All hail!

It is I, Godzilla and I have a new sushi roll for you to try! ONE NAMED AFTER ME!

Gorgeous yes? I found this recipe at Sushi Day!

This is a very simple roll, but still interesting due to the flavors of the teriyaki sauce and hot sauce. You can also use hoisin sauce in place of the teriyaki sauce if you don’t have any teriyaki sauce, and it will still taste good!

Only one more week of school left of the winter quarter… and then finals! Bleh. Time seems to be going by so quickly nowadays… I’ll have graduated before you know it! I think it’s partially because I am so busy these days - I have classes to study for, homework to do, sushi to make, posts to write, a website to make for my mom ( ) and Son to take care of! I’m not complaining, because I enjoy it all, but still… it’s a lot to do!

Makes 12 rolls, or 36-48 slices.

Recipe

Ingredients

6 sheets nori
3 cups sumeshi
12 pieces tempura shrimp
teriyaki sauce
hot sauce

Cooking Directions

Cook sushi rice.

Bake tempura shrimp as directed on the package. I used this tempura shrimp, but I’m sure other types, or even homemade tempura shrimp will work just fine. You can also fry the tempura shrimp if you choose, but baking it is healthier, and you can prepare other things (such as the sumeshi) while it’s baking.

Cut tails off the tempura shrimp.

Slice tempura shrimp in half lengthwise.

Roll the sushi inside-out, using 1/2 a sheet of nori instead of a whole sheet, and 2 slices of tempura shrimp (one whole shrimp) as your filling.
Drizzle teriyaki sauce over the roll, and squeeze a stripe of hot sauce along the roll.

Enjoy!

---------------------------------

Thank you sushiday.com for that wonderful idea! I should go make myself a Godzilla Roll right now, but I can't because the Bater has left Perky and I without food again. However there is plenty of Gin.

Burp!

Godzilla

Yes!

2008-04-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

All Hail!

Yes I like the idea of hiring monkeys to write the Bater's blog. In fact if you are a monkey reading this colum please send me your resume at godzilla@newrock1073.com

In other news the Bater went to see the Bouncing Souls last night and Bell has some terrible pictures of it on her blog here.

Off to buy bananas,
Godzilla

I can not contain my girlish excitement

2008-04-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

All Hail!

It seems as though the rumors are true about my beloved New Kids on the Block getting back together! They have released their first group photo in fifteen years!

My boyfriends are due on the Today show this Friday to hopefully announce a reunion! I Godzilla, International Super Fan will be waiting breathlessly by the television in my acid washed jacket and Blossom hat* swilling the Bater's gin in anticipation!

See you there! Like totally!

Godzilla

*Blossom Hat=

I'm awesome.

2008-04-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

It's just like cup says people. I'm a pimp. This has really cheered me up!

Another blow to my ego

2008-03-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

All hail!

So the other day I was shopping at the Goodwill (they have great plus size stuff for us bigger gals) and found one of my old movies for sale at the store.

How should I feel about this? Glad that someone once owned it or sad because they turned it in to be resold? My little green face burned with embarrassment as I left the store (without the stylish mumu I had wanted to purchase, it's chilly in Morro Bay in the mornings!)

To be cast off... this is a sad thing. I feel like a Fall Out Boy record in the used cd bin.

Also haven't seen much of the Bater lately. He needs to come home and infuse the double wide mansion with some cash. Perky is nearly out of smokes.

Time to go hide my shamed face,

Godzilla

this cat is a snob

2008-03-28T09:06:00.001-07:00

see more crazy cat pics

Just so you know Legions of the Bater, Godzilla also licks her own tail and would totally drink this stuff.

HA!

2008-03-27T12:13:00.001-07:00

see more crazy cat pics

Happy Birthday to the Bater

2008-03-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

All hail!

Today is the Bater's birthday so I decided to throw him a party. I bought:

And some of this:

And then some of this:

Then I invited these girls:

So I think my Bater will have a good night. And I might get out of the house myself. Or get to make out with those girls when he's done with them. Either way, Score for me, Godzilla, International Party Planner.

Cheers!
Godzilla

damn right sobe!

2008-03-13T15:13:00.001-07:00

RESPEK THE LIZARD!

this is one of my arts and crafts projects

2008-03-12T10:13:00.001-07:00

All Hail!

In rehab, I, Godzilla International Superstar was forced to do arts and crafts. So I made this.

It is a diorama of my favorite Mexican strip bar! However my therepist was not amused and I got my smoking priviledges taken away for a week. How dare they ignore the art of my vision.

Rehab is an outrage!

Godzilla

the return of godzilla

2008-03-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

All Hail,

It is I, Godzilla! I have returned!

You see, Godzilla was recently sent to rehab! And I have many stories to tell about my adventures that got me sent there even though I said no no no.

But being an international jet setting rehabbed starlet has me very tired today so I will have to get back to you tomorrow about all of my jaunts around the world.

Ciao Bellas!
Godzilla

NOT FUNNY

2008-02-21T11:11:00.001-08:00

All Hail!

One of our readers just sent me these photos of an action figure of me they found somewhere.

As you can tell this isn't something I authorized and honestly it causes me much pain and embarrassement.

You see I, Godzilla had a tail infection once. Really some of the bath houses and massage parlors you get invited to as a young superstar aren't the cleanest places in the world and when you add in the sake I was drinking (and dropping the empty bottles all over the ground) you get a bumbling drunk Nuclear Lizard in a dirty bathhouse with a broken sake bottle stuck in my tail.

I went to the doctor and they put one of these on me.

Brutal I know, but I couldn't stop chewing on my poor infected tail. I tried to stay out of the public eye while I was wearing this thing but apparently some paparazzi got a picture of me when I went down to the store for more sake to wash down the painkillers and some smokes. And apparently some toy company bought the photos and made a toy out of my darkest hour.

Being famous stinks.

This is probably something my former idiot agent signed off on before I ate him. I mean the guy was obviously ready to sell me off for any dollar ammount. He tried to even get my face on toilet paper! He was like "Hey it worked for your bff Hello Kitty" but I told him to shove it. This ugly little action figure must be his revenge.

Even from beyond the grave (and digestion system) this man plauges me.

Okay off to wash The Tristan's socks.
Godzilla

The Original Aqua Teen Hunger Force

2008-02-21T07:06:00.000-08:00

All hail meat sacks!

It is I, Godzilla! I have uncovered a dirty secret of your American peoples!

Behold your Aqua Teen Hunger Force:

Now pay attention! These characters must have been based on my girlhood crush, THE MC DONALDS HAPPY MEAL GUYS!:

See these Aqua Teen guys aren't geniuses! I say they should be strung up from the highest tree! In fact the entire Adult Swim animation department should be lit on fire! And not just because I've been begging to be a guest on Space Ghost Coast to Coast for year and have never had an invitation extended to me!

Down with Adult Swim!
Godzilla

but wait i can explain

2008-02-19T16:31:00.001-08:00

So last night The Bater was of course out on the town again and left Perky and I to our own devices. Which is probably how I ended up naked and loaded in the yard holding pinwheel while Perky took pictures of me.

It was her fault we got drunk in the first place. She snuck into the cabinet and got into The Bater's personal martini glass collection. Only The Bater has a glass big enough for me to drink out of!

Glitter Graphics

After drinking nearly all the gin and crank calling all the neighbors, Perky shoved me out into the yard with a pinwheel and a remix of I WILL SURVIVE. Needless to say the photo of me holding the pinwheel isn't the most embarrassing, but she promises not to post the rest of them if I don't tell The Bater who popped in his sock drawer.... Whoops.

Time to nuke the camera,
Godzilla

My one Valentine's Day card

2008-02-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

All Hail!

I got a Valentine's Day card today from one of our readers. Strangely enough his name was Bristan. He says he has been an admirer of mine for some time and thinks that I may have been kidnapped by his evil twin who he was seperated from at birth to save his life. Some day I hope to meet this dashing Bristan and run away with him!

Bristan! I love you! Happy Valentines Day!
Godzilla

be my valentine

2008-02-12T16:10:00.001-08:00

All Hail Legions of the Bater!

It is I, Godzilla and I have a confession....

I am a lonely lizard. Godzillas need love too and I have none. Even the above photo is a fake. No one has hugged this lizard in a long time. At least not anyone I haven't paid to uhhh... nevermind.

If you would like to be my valentine, please to be emailing me right away at godzilla@newrock1073.com

(or if you like the internet you can be my myspace friend! http://myspace.com/godzillaofmorrobay or be new rock's friend too www.myspace.com/newrock )

I will even take e-cards instead of candy. Anything to show this poor lonely lizard love...

*weep*
Godzilla

What is wrong with you people?

2008-02-07T11:00:00.000-08:00

All Hail Legions of the Bater,

You people seem to be as screwed up as the Big Guy. The Tristan said to me today, "HEY GODZILLA, CHECK AND SEE HOW PEOPLE ARE FINDING MY BLOG." (I hesitate of course to point out that THIS IS MY BLOG! He's never written a word on it.) So I went to search how some of you got here and you have serious problems!

Some of the most popular searches to get here include:

tristan moved away
tristan hate pregnant
a slave to a monster
jewish comic book
cloverfield monster chicken dance
pig slave blog
slave teresa
slave drink urine
my life is stupid
bater
dancing with godzilla
godzilla punk
the definitions of moods on myspace
annoying tristan
books on the life of a slave

You people have PROBLEMS. And if you think I am going to drink urine FORGET IT. This is as close as I'll get!

Make custom Glitter Graphics

Gross! No wonder The Tristan likes you guys so much.

Hiding now!

Godzilla

The Big one has some 'splaining to do

2008-02-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

All hail, Legions of the Bater!

If this girl is any of you, please come back to the Bater's double wide mansion. Not only did you leave feathers all over the house, I am pretty sure that even though the Bater has an amazing appetite for booze and the like, I'm pretty sure you drank your fair share of my sake. Not cool.

I, Godzilla, International Super Duper Star does not have to clean up after filthy Mardi Gras harlots! I will not tolerate this abuse! There are BEADS EVERY WHERE. The vaccum cleaner is wrecked thanks to your inconsiderate ass. And if I don't get these Hurricane stains out of the shag carpet before the Bater comes home from Mass today I am so busted.

So yes, Dear Readers, if you are this Fan Girl or you know her, please point her in my direction. Either get your skanky ass back here and help me clean up or FACE MY WRATH!

Please,
Godzilla

happy mardi gras!

2008-02-05T16:04:00.001-08:00

Create cool Profile Comments

I'm ready to party!

Personalized Glitter Graphics

I HAVE FIRE BREATH

I busted Perky

2008-01-31T11:20:00.000-08:00

Perky apparently is a raver and likes to dress up and dance to terrible techno music.

HOW FIERCE!

SQUEEEEEE!

2008-01-30T10:46:00.000-08:00

All Hail Legions of the Bater!

Yesterday I got some amazing news from the interwebz. It seems my boyband crushes of my youth are getting back together! There are rumblings of a New Kids on the Block reuinion!

SQUEEEEE!

You see when I was a young starlet in Japan I wanted nothing more to meet these boys!

My manager tried to set it up because let's face it, young musicians LOVE actresses, especially ones that are of my level of fame! But it never came to be because Danny, the Ugly One was allergic to Nuclear Lizards! Can you imagine? Who has such an allergy? We're quite dander-free! I think he was just scared, but he didn't have anything to worry about, I didn't have my eyes set on him!

I had his doll, but I ate it after they refused to meet me.!

My friends tried to console me with other NKOTB related goodies.

The Christmas album brought me no joy! I am Jewish after all.

And this comic book? Not funny!
The sleeping bag was perhaps the cruelest trick of all. I could sleep next to my crushes but I could not meet them, no matter how famous I was. Life can be cruel for a giant nuclear lizard.

I am hoping this time to meet them by exploiting my down on my luck hard times story of how I came to live with The Tristan. I mean they have to feel SORRY for me now, I'm a slave! Hanging out with me would be like charity. And maybe if I'm lucky Donnie, The BAD one will adopt me!

Swoon,

Godzilla

This website is bogus!

2008-01-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

All Hail Readers!

As I, Godzilla International Supermodel and ex Ninja Assasin am also Godzilla, Queen of the Internets, I like to be up on all the latest memes out there. I am hip with the tubez as they are my only contact with the outside world except The Tristan and television. So when someone sent me this link http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/ I had to go at once to find out how many five year olds I could take in a fight.

You might see my results there at 25. This idiotic website didn't have anything to check to show that I have nuclear fire breath though or that I'm about 30 feet tall. Or THAT I'M A GIANT MONSTER WHO WRECKS THINGS! Clearly this website was designed for stupid humans and I find it offensive. I'd sue for discrimination against nuclear lizards but frankly The Bater has taken my phone priviledges away again and I can't call my lawyer. I actually can't afford a lawyer either since I'm a house slave with no money.

Either way this website is a crock. Go take the test and tell me how many five year olds you can take in a fight! I bet I still could take more!

godzilla hate perky

2008-01-25T12:49:00.000-08:00

All Hail!

You see this cat? This is what I, Godzilla, International... awww I just don't care! This is what I look like today only less furry. Perky got me into trouble by feeding me visine so I got sick. And The Bater doesn't allow me to be sick because he has needs or something I could care less about.

The Bater hardly feeds us any more. He never brings home fresh booze and the house is without heat because he's mean and cheap! Perky manages to run down to the liquor store and trade her duck favors for gin for us. But it's always the cheap stuff. (What do you expect with that filthy harlot?)

I'd go on strike again or run away but frankly The Tristan wouldn't even care right now. He's neglecting his slaves. I'd report him but really, is there a National Slave Protection Society now? No!

Godzilla is depressed. I'm wet and cold because I have to sleep outside again until the Bater thinks I can come in. Even my nuclear fire breath is failing me.

Anyone want to adopt a depressed giant nuclear lizard?
Godzilla

godzilla is under the weather today

2008-01-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

Yo, Perky here.

Godzilla doesn't feel like blogging today. It could be because I challenged her to a gin drinking contest last night while the Big Guy was out drinkin'. Only I gave Godzilla gallon jugs of viseine to drink.

Hell yeah, she puked. And some other... expellents.

Anyway she'll be back tomorrow if she can drag her scaley ass out of the bathroom!

Peace out,
Perky

behold the cloverfield monster

2008-01-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

All Hail Readers!

I am going to add that JJ Abrams guy to my scat list. I am so sick of people seeing me and saying "Oh it's the Cloverfield monster."

I'M GODZILLA YOU IDIOTS. I'M THE THING THE CLOVERFIELD MONSTER IS AFRAID OF!

JJ Abrams is now on my list. Right after Matthew Broderick, who really signed me into this hell called Living With Tristan after all.

Bite Me!
Godzilla

Get Well Little Pig!

2008-01-21T11:31:00.000-08:00

All Hail Readers!

Normally when you come to the Godzilla blog you find me here, complaining about how much I hate people not paying me for using my likeness or for ripping off my ideas or personas for making of the money. (Cloverfield, I'm talking to you.) But today I want to tell you about another lifeform I share a name with: Godzilla, the pig.

I found the story of Godzilla The Pig's life by reading some blog that Bell likes called Strongly Worded Letter. This Godzilla has cancer right now and is going through some treatments and this makes me Godzilla the Giant Nuclear Lizard sad for him. I hate being sick! Although if I was sick The Tristan would definately not read to me or feed me vanilla wafers. He'd probably just put me out in the yard again and tell me to rub some dirt on it.

Anyway I just wanted to say from one Godzilla to another, Get Well Little Pig! I fully endorse you using my name! May it make you well!

If you would like to read This Godzilla's story and leave him get well messages you can do so here.

Love,
Godzilla

my life is stupid

2008-01-18T14:05:00.000-08:00

All Hail Legions of the Tristan,

It is I, Godzilla blogging again from the Nuclear Lizard dog house. I'm STILL in trouble for burning down the Bater's house while he was away on vacation. Personally I think he might have rigged the whole thing to happen and was planning my punishment then entire time he was gone. I mean I don't remember blowing up the house and he definately didn't bring me any souveniers from the Carribiean.

As you can see I've been busy mowing the lawn and I'm back on barf duty. The Bater drinks and barfs and I clean it up. Needless to say this happens all day every day and my life sucks as a result.

I'd start drinking too but he's changed the key to the liquor cabinet again. I am back to not caring if I win his affections back honestly and hope he chokes on his own puke.

I mean I love The Tristan and wish to be the center of his life once again. Forgive me Bater!

Gotta mow the lawn again,

Godzilla

godzilla on wii?

2008-01-16T15:10:00.001-08:00

No time for formal salutations today dear readers!

Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute? I'm on a WII game and no one told.... ME?!?

I feel a rampage coming on!

Godzilla Smash!

(unless someone buys this game for me so I can play it on The Tristan's WII)

I should show this to Perky

2008-01-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

I think the Bater will be pleased!

2008-01-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

All hail legions of the Tristan!

As you know I, Godzilla star of stage and screen and international super model am in the nuclear lizard house for accidently burning down the Bater's double-wide mansion. I finally struck upon a way to make it up to him!

You might have heard that The Tristan is a motorcycle rider and LOVES his bike. I thought his bike could use some extra flare though and as a special treat I repainted it for him!

What do you think? Do you think that he will forgive me now? I can't wait for him to get home and check it out!!!

Happily,

Godzilla

(editors note: these pictures aren't really Tristan's bike. They come from another hilarious blog you should be checking out called Hello Kitty Hell)

this is why I'm hot

2008-01-10T12:37:00.001-08:00

All Hail Legions of the The Bater!

Faithful reader Marcy just sent in this photo she found of yours truly, Godzilla, International Superstar, getting my star on the walk of fame in Hollywood.

I am most grateful since I don't remember anything about that day except waking up in a puddle of my own vomit in a dumpster behind the Cat and Fiddle sometime after 3am. Of course I'd been robbed and had no ID on me at the time. The police were not amused and did not in fact "KNOW WHO I WAS!"

Anyway, I digress.

Thank you Marcy, for sending me this photo and bringing me a piece of my once awesome life to treasure.

Currently I am thinking of suing the people making this Cloverfield movie. This is obviously another attempt to capitalize on what I do best: BE A GIANT MONSTER THAT DESTROYS THINGS. ~~My agent should've been all over this!~~ I mean would have if I hadn't eaten him years ago.

Anyway I, Godzilla International Superstar of Stage and Screen will be boycotting this movie. It looks like the Blair Witch of Giant Monster movies so I'm not spending my money on it.

Not to mention I'm still grounded for burning the house down.

Cheers!
Godzilla

I'M INTERNET FAMOUS

2008-01-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

All Hail Readers!

It turns out that I, Godzilla, slave of The Bater, am totally internet famous! Look at me ! I was on http://www.stuffonmycat.com/!

It's okay to be jealous. I would be too if I wasn't already the most awesome nuclear lizard EVAH!!!!

This is a good thing! Perhaps it will convince The Bater to let me back into the house as he has banished me to a tent in the backyard after we burned down the double wide mansion.

Lucky for the Bater, the best part of manufactured homes is you can get a new one delivered very quickly! I can not believe the advances you American people have made in homemaking! He just called the 1-800 number on the charred wreckage of our home and WHAM! new house.

It's pretty cold in Morro Bay at night so I am hoping that soon I will be let back into the house.

Brrrrr.... defrost me!
Godzilla

i dont get it either

2008-01-08T14:08:00.000-08:00

All hail readers!

Somehow I am still alive since The Bater's return to America. However he has been punishing me for burning down the double wide mansion. We have been listening to NOTHING but this song "Atomic Food" on endless repeat. I am going to be visiting the Britney Spears in the crazy ward!

Send more ear plugs,

Godzilla

I am going to die

2008-01-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

All hail future Mourners of the Great Godzilla,

I should know by now not to listen to Perky and the damn cat but as all teens are apt to do when their masters are away, we threw a party.

And really everyone came....

This guy was the first to show up. I swear he got here like this.
Perky's girlfriend Mimi can not hold her liquor to save her life. You should've seen the barf puddle that girl left. She gave my nuclear lizard fire breath a run for it's money!
I invited Batman. When we used to party together back in the day he was much more capable of holding his Sake! If I had known he'd pass out in the backyard, I would've gone with my first pick, Superman!

I think this is one of the Twins from the radio station. I don't know for sure though. All I know is he drank all the So-Co and it made me angry!

This is Perky's Irish uncle Colin. He made one too many carbombs and the next thing I knew it was like the IRA had stormed the house.

Needless to say when The Tristan sees what became of the house, we are all very dead. Hopefully he'll kill Perky first though, because I have a request for Duck L'Orange as my last meal.

Pass the hose,

Godzilla

p.s. OH @#k! I forgot about this! He actually told us not to burn the house down! Crap.

godzilla can't come to the phone right now

2008-01-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

I get some good emails

2008-01-02T12:10:00.000-08:00

All hail fleshbags!

With the Bater gone to vacation I don't have much action going on here in the house. I have slowly been working my way through the large gin surplus in the basement and reorganizing The Tristan's "special" movies since he isn't around to hog the television.

I've also had some time to catch up on some of the email's I get at godzilla@newrock1073.com

From: Solomon Hartman [mailto:ElliotrimHumphrey@time.com]
Sent: Tue 1/1/2008 4:42 AM
To: Godzilla
Subject: lowest prices possible rolex

Top quality luxury watches... offered at discount prices!!

Dear Mr Solomon Hartman,

I recevied your kind and generous offer of discount watches. However I should advise you that I, Godzilla, am a GIANT NUCLEAR LIZARD. I doubt that you have a watch that would fit me. Also my nuclear radiation tends to mess up the calibration in almost every watch I've ever been near.

In short, thanks but no thanks,

Godzilla

From: Domenico Rodrigo [mailto:Rodrigokjwd@emazdad.com]
Sent: Tue 1/1/2008 5:23 PM
To: Godzilla
Subject: htorb1

Discreet, and effective - gain 3 inches in just 3 months!

Dear Mr Domenico Rodrigo,

I fear you may need to have a talk with your marketing team. In the New Year many American's strive to lose inches, not gain them. Why on Earth would I want to buck the time honored trend of lying about going on a diet and actually gain inches on purpose?

I am confused by you.
Godzilla

From: Marguerite Smart [mailto:velmpbrokerzof@mpbroker.be]
Sent: Tue 1/1/2008 12:46 AM
To: Godzilla
Subject: Be a hero!

Have a nice holiday!!!
Wish you looked like a hero in bed?
No stuff can support you in the better way than our pharmas!
Purchase only licensed medicines just from our drug-store!!

Dear Ms Smart,

Let me get this straight... your pharmacy sells tights and capes to look more like a hero in bed? Strange thing for a pharmacy to carry, but I suppose multiple purpose stores are becoming all the rage these days. However, I am not in the market for a cape or a pair of tights to sleep in. I find both to be constricting.

Best,
Godzilla

photos of the bater on the road

2007-12-31T09:48:00.000-08:00

The Florida PD have Harleys

The Bater's Dad sleeping in the airport.

The Bater surfing porn in the Airport.

The Bater in Puerto Rico. He says it's hot as balls there, but I wouldn't know since I'm trapped in the house in Morro Bay.

This is the back of a boat.

Puerto Rico is basically the 51st State

The Bater and his sister Pirate Hooker going out on formal night on the boat.

a message from the Bater

2007-12-31T09:35:00.000-08:00

Tristan here Rockers,

As some of you know last year my parents had the foresight to plan a family vacation at what would end up being one of the worst times for me in my life, stranding me in the Caribbean while there is work to be done!
Currently I am in Puerto Rico and I have so say my thoughts are elsewhere. I awoke this morning with a hangover I could not bear; not a hangover from booze (that I had as well) but a hangover of knowing that I was going to get knowledge that would serve only to devastate.

It was like a movie:

My sister called me spoke a few words that I did not hear and I dropped the phone. I sat up, swung my legs over the side of the bed and held my head in my hands.

I was faced with a dilemma: the news I received could only mean that there is no god in heaven; that the land of milk and honey that we all strive for acceptance to when we die doesn't exist. Is my faith so shallow that something that could be conveyed in but a moment in time convince me of aeithism? No. I cannot believe that. This must be a test. God has positioned me in a place where I have the opportunity for faith and I am to seize this fortune! It is my own fault for not denying myself those things in life that can cause me pain, therefore I am susceptible to it. Though I have no Nirvana I shall strive for it after this lesson. Today I am Job and my faith, though shaken, shall remain.

What, pray tell, could make me go through what could only be considered one of the more poignant philosophical and existential struggles of our time?

The Patriots beat the Giants.... Their perfect season cemented in the annals of history.

I just wish I could have seen it! It feels like if I were there with them, not in body, but in mind I could have made some kind of difference. Like if I were watching I could have willed Eli to throw a better pass, or made Tom Brady's arm break out in flaming herpetic sores the pus from which splattered his face causing permanent, agonizing, blindness. Alas, this is not so.

Maybe the patriots could suffer the same fate as the Uruguayan rugby team on October 13, 1972. They could crash into some desolate unreachable place and have to eat each other for sustenance... and maybe some natives could rape them.

...oh! And I lost my sunglasses on the flight over. That was pretty lame too.

So as for me, I’ve seen better days. I’ll tell you how the 51st state was when I am done with it.

Rock on,
Tristan

-------------
You'll notice he doesn't even miss his lovely and now starving personal assistant Godzilla. I'm going to eat his face when he gets home. Useless meat bag.

I can't believe this crap

2007-12-28T08:02:00.000-08:00

All Hail Legions of the Stupid Bater,

So this morning I woke up to fetch the Bater's tea and toast and I noticed something strange. First off there was the distinct lack of the smell of stale gin and puke... Also I didn't find any stray bitches in the bathroom when I went to brush my giant teeth.

Confused, I walked into the Bater's room with breakfast in bed only to find this note:

Great, as usual I am left in the dark while that fat Bater has fun. My life sucks. And he took all the doorknobs off and barricaded the doors so I can't get out.

I just hope we have enough booze to last me until he gets back.

I'm thirsty,

Godzilla

LIVE METALLICA CONCERT FOR DOWNLOAD

2007-12-21T12:57:00.000-08:00

Live Metallica!

This site is fantastic!

Live Metallica!

Live Metallica!Live Metallica!

Live Metallica!

Happy Holidays from The Bater!

2007-12-21T11:21:00.000-08:00

All Hail legions of the Bater,

It is I, Godzilla, Santa's own Elf, to share the Bater's Holiday wishes with you!

If you enjoyed the card and want to send some ~~sarcastic~~ nice gifts to your friends on the emails you can do so by checking out SomeEcards.com.

Happy Holidays!

Godzilla

I'm pretty sure Tristan is the Devil

2007-12-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

All Hail Joyless Bags of Flesh!

It is I, Godzilla, Former International Superstar and I have come to a startling realization: The Tristan is actually The Devil.

Behold this photo taken at the Christmas party for The New Rock! Evidence is all over it!

1-Evil grin. Only someone up to no good at all would smile like this.

2-Visable Chest hair! He will use the "OH I'M ITALIAN" excuse here, but only gansters and devils go out with their chest hair blinging everywhere.

3-Speaking of bling, THE MAN HAS A BRACELET ON!

4-Much sweating: This is only proof that The Tristan was drinking everything in sight, and not getting drunk, another symptom of being PURE EVILE

5-last but not least: Look at his young capitive in this photo! Nice people don't take hostages!

No one ever believes me, but The Tristan = Evil. I should know, I live in his basement.

Rescue me?

Godzilla

p.s. I'm not just bitter because he forgot me in the car AGAIN the night of the party either.

A reader Question

2007-12-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Godzilla,

I always read about your nuclear fire breath. I was wondering if you have any photos of this event and if you would share them with all of us.

Love,

Casey

-----------------------

Dear Casey,

As you can see in the photo to the right here, I Godzilla, International SuperStar have nuclear fire breath! It is not a special effect in any way. I mutated to this fire breathing beauty you see above some time ago and even though it has been an adjustment, I am very proud of my fire breathing. Sometimes The Bater uses me for it when he needs to barbeque. You haven't lived until you've had roasted salmon done by nuclear fire breath.

Flame on!

Godzilla

Christmas is coming

2007-12-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

All Hail!

It is I, the Great and Powerful Godzilla. And I am in the dog house again.

You see as I am not American, I am not used to your countries customs and when The Tristan told me Christmas was coming, I wanted to make him a traditional Japanese Christmas Cake!

For those of you who aren't familiar here is an explaination:

Christmas cake in other countries
In Japan, Christmas cake,
traditionally eaten on Christmas Eve, is simply a sponge
cake, frosted with whipped cream, decorated with strawberries, and usually
topped with Christmas chocolates or other seasonal fruit. In the Philippines, Christmas cakes
are bright rich yellow pound cakes with macerated nuts or fruitcakes of the
British fashion. Either way, both are soaked in copious amounts of brandy or rum
mixed with a simple syrup of palm sugar and water. Traditionally, civet or ambergris musk flavoring is
added, but rosewater or orange flower water is more common now, as civet musk
and ambergris have become very expensive[citation
needed]. These liquor-laden cakes can usually stay fresh for many months
provided it is handled and made properly. Because of its long shelf life, it is
a very popular gift for Christmas and one cake made the previous year is
sometimes saved for the next Christmas to symbolize union with "Christmases
past", or may be consumed for the following Easter[citation
needed].

You can probably already tell where my preperation of this cake when south. I really should not be trusted with alcohol or fire at the same time but no one was home to stop me and I had to get this cake made for The Tristan.

First of all, the only rum we had in the house was the Bacardi 151 which you know catches on fire. And of course I had to drink some to make sure it was still good. I mean, rum could go bad, right?

Well it turns out if you add rum to the hot breath of a nuclear lizard you get a giant fire. And even though the Bater is fond of saying "die in a fire" he doesn't seem to actually want to die in a fire.

We got the fire put out but not before I totally scorched and destroyed the liquor cabinet. So not only am I in trouble, I'm sober.

Send more sake,
Godzilla

When I say Sake, You Say Bomb!

2007-12-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

All hail human fleshbags!

It is I, Godzilla here again to blog for The Tristan.

Again, I am in trouble and I feel as though it is that fat bastard's fault. Let me tell my side of the story.

The other day The Bater was feeling nice and set up some Sake Bombs in the house for Perky and I. If you've never had a sake bomb, it's basically a cup of sake dropped into a Japanese beer. For maximum fun, you balance two chopsticks on top of the beer glass prop up the sake cup on them and then tap the table to get the sake cup to fall into the beer glass. There is usually a great deal of loud chanting going on and then you slam the glass of beer. I can blame this little game on a great many nights of wandering lost in Japan during my famous heyday!

Anyway theBater sets this up and starts the chant and I slam my claws down on the table and the next thing you know, CARNAGE there was sake, tokkuri (that's the bottle sake is served in) and beer everywhere. I broke a tokkuri and the next thing you know, it's back to the basement for yours truly.

I don't understand why the Bater always forgets I'm pretty much gigantic. I'm a mutated nuclear lizard. I don't know my own strength! It's like the time I sat on one of his date's laps and totally killed her. I didn't mean to, she was just fragile and human.

And I've never killed anyone... ha ha. Why would I say that?

Crap.
Godzilla

PROOF I WAS ONCE FAMOUS!

2007-12-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

THEY DON'T GIVE THESE BABIES OUT TO JUST ANYONE!!!

Or wait... how does one get a star on the walk of fame...

Let's ask wikipedia.org since all I remember about the ceremony is being very drunk on sake... Godzilla LOVES sake.

"The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a sidewalk along Hollywood Boulevard
and Vine
Street in Hollywood,
Los Angeles, California, United States, which is
embedded with more than 2,000 five-pointed stars featuring the names of not only
human celebrities but fictional
characters honored by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce
for their contributions to the entertainment industry. The Walk of Fame is
maintained by the self-financing Hollywood Historic Trust. The first star,
awarded on February 9, 1960, went to Joanne Woodward."

Hmm, I am not a fictional character or human! I must be special! What else do you have to tell me Wikipedia?

Star nomination process
In order for a person to get a star
on the Walk of Fame, he or she must agree to attend a presentation ceremony
within five years of selection, and a $25,000 fee must be
paid to the Trust for costs such as security at the star ceremony; a 2003 FOX News story
noted that the fee is typically paid by sponsors such as film studios and record companies, as
part of the publicity for a release with
which the honoree is involved.[citation
needed] On other occasions, the fee is paid by a fan club or the nominating
person or organization.
Controversy and mystery surrounds the way the stars
are nominated and approved, as discussed in a 2001 ABC News story that
interviewed honorary Hollywood mayor Johnny Grant.

Crap, this really explains the 25,000 dollar charge on my Diner's Club card.

But hey, at least the star is there.

I'm ready for my close up Mr. Bater,

Godzilla

All Hail!!

2007-12-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

It is I, Godzilla the former International Superstar of Stage and Screen!

I have been on vacation for the past couple of weeks because my Master (bater) finally agreed that I needed a break. It could've had something to do with threatening to eat his stupid box shaped car but I don't know. Maybe he finally had a change of mind.

During my downtime I went to Japan to see my family. Okay that's not true, The Bater would not allow such things. I actually went out for sushi. Wait no that didn't happen either. I actually did not go any where.

I did however catch up on some television watching and realize that now more than ever televisions executives need to hire me. I am already a trained actor and writer who does everything for free as it is. I don't need a contract, just give me a show! Even if it's DANCING WITH GODZILLA.

That might be funky fresh as you American peoples say...

I have no idea why I just said that. Too much television, not enough sake. I'll be back in full force starting this week with all of my cheeky antics very soon.

All My Love,
Godzilla

2007-12-05T09:28:00.001-08:00

something only the Bater will laugh at
Wednesday 11-28-2007 4:18pm PT
All Hail Joyless Meat Sacks!

Sometimes I get out of blogging by posting things I know the Bater will find amusing. And this is the kind of humor he loves. He shares these sorts of jokes with The Homeless Josh.

As I am an internerational superstar and a giant nuclear lizard I do not share their sense of humor, so any time I find something that isn't funny to me I know they will laugh. There you go.... nerds.

Where's my protractor?
Godzilla

2007-12-05T09:27:00.002-08:00

back from vacation
Wednesday 11-28-2007 4:15pm PT

All Hail!

It is I, Godzilla back from my Thanksgiving break! When the Turkey Coma wears off I will be blogging again for the The Tristan!

Zzzzzz,
Godzilla

why am i not on tv again

2007-12-05T09:27:00.001-08:00

why am i not on tv again
Thursday 11-15-2007 8:42am PT
All Hail!

First meat sacks, I need you to go watch this.

Tell me please why there isn't "A Shot At Love with: Godzilla!" I'm Asian too and I'm a lot more talented than Tila Tequila. Sure, my name isn't is an alcohol but that's not her real name! Everyone knows girls who take their clothes off for a living use stage names!

I don't even wear clothes! If this crap is television, I want to be the host next season. Make me more "famous."

I mean any idiot can make a myspace account. I even have one!

America, you confuse me.
Godzilla

sean morrey likes teresa too much

2007-12-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

the bater and Sean Morery
Tuesday 11-13-2007 12:54pm PT
All Hail,

Last Saturday The Bater was yucking it up with Sean Morey from the Bob & Tom show while I, Godzilla, internerational superstar stayed home to wash The Bater's socks.

strike!

2007-12-05T09:23:00.001-08:00

Going on strike seems to be a way to meet interesting Hollywood actors, so I am going too. Someone give me a ride to Disney and I'll strike against my tyrant boss too!

2007-12-05T09:22:00.002-08:00

2007-12-05T09:22:00.001-08:00

gimmie the gong show
Wednesday 11-07-2007 6:22pm PT
All hail faithful Meat Sacks!

Did you hear? The screen writers of America are striking! I don't know what this means really except that there will be lots of new reality television shows on the television box!

Godzilla has been out of work for a long time and will cross any picket line to get a gig! I could be a scab writer or wait wait wait it might be time for the Godzilla MOVIE OF MY LIFE MOVIE OF THE WEEK!

In the intrest of long term financial security I would like very much to host a game show. In my home country game shows are a big deal and I have much experience in this medium! I love shouting and obsticle courses and bad talent shows! It is the basis of all Japanese TV! And you don't need a writer to get it done! I could just be Godzilla on tv and there would be magic, really!

I want to host a new kind of Gong Show! People come on and show me their futile attempts at amusing me and instead of gonging them I'LL EAT THEM!

Two birds, one stone! Food for me, television for America, the country I have grown to love (and am forced to live in, thanks to the Bater)

So hear me studio mogul tyrants! I am Godzilla and I am used to being abused. I will work for whatever paltry contract the screen writers of America are currently working for, really and be happy about it. No DVD royalites needed!

Call me babe! Let's Do Lunch!
Godzilla

2007-12-05T09:21:00.003-08:00

godzilla is shilling the punk ass bitches show
Tuesday 11-06-2007 4:30pm PT

If you can't read the small print:

PUNK ASS BITCHES SHOW
C/O NEW ROCK 1073
51 ZACA LANE SUITE 100
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA
93401

2007-12-05T09:21:00.001-08:00

godzilla hatemail
Friday 11-02-2007 1:41pm PT

Dear Godzilla,

I think you are terrible. How dare you preach the virtues of being lazy to the youths of America. That's not what America is all about. It's about hard work and going to WalMart to buy American products. Go back to Japan!

Love,

Mildred

(This is what Godzilla gets for participating in the Rants and Raves on craigslist!)

Anyway....

Dear Mildred,

As much as I would like to take your advice of going back to Japan, I am a prisoner and am stuck here in your strange land full of strange customs. I am learning the ways the best that I can by watching reality televisions and those hippity hop music videos. My only guide in this world is The Tristan and that is very sad as his life cosists of talking on the radio, being naked with questionable broads and drinking so much even I, Godzilla seasoned master of Rehab, cringe.

But, the saddest thing of all is that you are looking to a Nuclear Lizard from a forgien land to teach the youth of America about American ways and cultures. You are either an idiot or just as lazy as I am.

I was going to say more but I am a firm believer in Team Lazy so I'm done here.
Peace!
Godzilla

2007-12-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

not one of my better films
Thursday 11-01-2007 4:44pm PT
All hail Meat Bags,

It is I, former International Superstar Godzilla! I was going through some of my memorabilia the other day and I stumbled up on this:

Godzilla VS Godzilla was not my agent's best idea. He seemed to think we could get TWO salaries for me that way. No such luck, I just ended up having to do a lot of extra acting and needing to beat myself up alot. Not really my finest moment, well not my finest moment before coming to live in this house of humiliation, now every moment of my miserable life is not the finest moment...

Oh sorry. Anyway if anything living with The Tristan, I have learned that being lazy is better than working hard, which is what I used to do! I had the hustle, that's for sure.

These days though, I'm learning it's better to be a captive. Sure I have to write this idiotic blog and live with a pyschotic drunken duck and wash that Stinky Bater's horrible socks and feed him cheese when he's nude but at least I don't have to learn lines anymore. My memory was never great to begin with thanks to Nuclear Mutation but maaaaaan you factor in all the hash and sake a superstar like myself gets thrown at her beak every day and whooo I'm lucky I remember my name. Or my way home.

And no I won't tell you about the time in Japan I woke up in a sewer after a particular night at an opium den. I've been advised by an attourney I once ate that it would be terrible for that night to ever be mentioned again!

Wait, where was I?

Right being lazy rocks
Godzilla

2007-12-05T09:18:00.002-08:00

help!
Wednesday 10-31-2007 1:30pm PT
All hail flesh bags,

Since my failed attempt at escape from the New Rock building this morning I have also learned that my captors are out of Pocky. It's Halloween, the day for dressing up like me and getting candy and here I am stuck in this stupid building.

Does anyone want to take a giant nuclear lizard out trick or treating tonight? I promise I will not be drunk (really okay, more drunk than I am right now) and I will not set anything on fire (unless provoked)!

If you want to take me trick or treating, email my Bater! I wanna go!

Ready set, candy me!
Godzilla

2007-12-05T09:18:00.001-08:00

I HAVE ESCAPED!
Wednesday 10-31-2007 9:34am PT

All hail!

Imagine my surprise of finding this extra Lizard Mobile laying around the New Rock studios! After much cursing and threatening I got the thing running and was able to make it all the way down the hall before the battery died. Then I fell off.

As a result I am still captive of these idiots here and wish to be killed immediately for shaming myself and my country!

Pass the Sammurai sword!
Godzilla

2007-12-05T09:17:00.001-08:00

Swift and decisive action!
Thursday 10-25-2007 12:18pm PT
This is The Tristan here, and I am ANGRY!!

Know this Stephanie Bell!! The country of Tristantanople does not negotiate with terrorists (btw, just by calling you a terrorist per the PATRIOT act I can have you thrown in gitmo for an indescriminant amount of time).

Though my assistant Godzilla can be whinny, annoying, preachy, smelly, and occationally pregnant, she is still my assistant and I will not tolerate ANYONE not treating her right!! If she is hurt at all you will feel my wrath! Expect a campain of shock and awe consisting of empty gin bottles and interns to be bombarding your office soon.

Yelling,
The Tristan

2007-12-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

I've been taken hostage!
Thursday 10-25-2007 10:12am PT
Dear Readers and Bater,

That Bell person has taken me hostage! It's not my fault really. The Bater took me to work yesterday and that fat idiot forgot me here. Bell got here this morning and found me locked in her office. Lucky for me she had some Pocky to feed me. You know, because I'm Japanese.

But in more humilating events for the Bater, she dressed me up in her American Baseball Headcover and made me write a message to the Bater!

Bell says it's because Tristan is a Communist and doesn't like baseball so I am a political prisoner or something. Actually I don't care if I get rescued or not because Bell still lets me on the computer while I'm trapped in her office and she has a TON of Pocky. I don't really know why Hello Kitty doesn't like it here. She still hasn't said a word since I got here. I don't know why she's soooo Hollywood all of a sudden.

Don't Rescue Me!
Godzilla

celeb sighting

2007-12-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it, I ran into my former BFF Hello Kitty when I was visiting The Tristan at work yesterday. Apparently she's been kidnapped by that Bell creature that The Bater hangs out with and is actually tied to her keyboard! And I thought my master (bater) was bad! Oddly enough Kitty didn't have much to say. I fear the life has been beaten out of her by that heartless Bell.

In other news The Bater has forbidden me to talk about this American Baseball Serries of the World on the television tonight because he says that baseball is dumb.

Look for more pictures of me soon or check out my myspace.

Love from the bay,
Godzilla

godzilla goes to lunch

2007-12-05T09:12:00.000-08:00

it's true i'm a social networker

2007-12-05T09:11:00.001-08:00

it's true, i'm a social networker
Friday 10-19-2007 8:59am PT
http://www.myspace.com/godzillaofmorrobay

Add me please!

2007-12-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

rock!
Wednesday 10-17-2007 12:34pm PT
All Hail Legions of the Bater,

It is I, the disgruntled and unhappy Godzilla. You see today The Tristan dictated a myspace bulletin to me about how he was going out to a bunch of fun shows at the Downtown Brew like TSOL tonight. Godzilla LOVES PUNK ROCK, one of my favorite bands is The Boredoms.

Of course I begged The Tristan to take me but he said that the last time he tried to take me to a show I squashed a bouncer and lit a baracade on fire with my nuclear breath. I told him that was back in my drinkin' days and he pointed out that I was drinking right that second... Actually I'm finishing the rest of his beer right now to spite him.

So loyal flesh bags, I will not be joining The Bater tonight. Instead he has me transcribing stats for his beloved St Louis Rams. This shouldn't take long.

You should go to the show and kick him. Tell him it's:

From Godzilla, with Love.

oktoberfest chicken dance

2007-12-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

OKTOBERFEST CHICKEN DANCE

Add to My Profile | More Videos

i don't lie

2007-12-05T08:59:00.001-08:00

i am not a liar
Monday 10-08-2007 2:45pm PT
All hail faithful readers,

I can not believe it but the Bater lied to me about Oktoberfest. Not only did he not give me a ride to Oktoberfest or get me a ticket, he drugged me so I slept through it.

I really wanted to meet you all and sing German songs with you. I had been learning colorful German slang to entertain you with but alas, the Jackass strikes again.

I hate my job,
Godzilla

meet godzilla

2007-12-05T08:57:00.002-08:00

meet godzilla
Friday 10-05-2007 10:58am PT
All Hail Doomed Fleshbags!

It is I, Godzilla, Lizard Superstar.

Finally I am going to be making a personal appearance this weekend along side of the The Bater and the other idiots who work at the New Rock. I get to go to Oktoberfest. Finally my master is not so cruel! Sausage and beer as far as the eye can see.

Unfortunately my dirndl didn't show up in the mail so I will not be in traditional costume. :(

But I'm ready to go! Let's go now! I'll drive!

The Lizard Mobile is gassed and fully cleansed of ran over meter maids! Let's rock!

der Abschaum der menschlichen Gesellschaft!
Godzilla

2007-12-05T08:57:00.001-08:00

GODZILLA LIGHTER
Wednesday 10-03-2007 4:11pm PT
All Hail Humans!

The Tristan says I have to blog even though I feel terrible still from the bad fish. So here is a picture of me as a lighter.

See me there next to Shrek. I'm awesome.

Flame on!
Godzilla

sorry

2007-12-05T08:56:00.001-08:00

sorry
Wednesday 10-03-2007 10:01am PT
All hail,

Just a quick note before I drag my scaleybutt back to bed. Perky has poisoned Godzilla. She brought me a fish head and I have been sick since then.

Ugh. Bad fish. Godzilla smash...

Barf.

sadzilla

2007-12-05T08:55:00.001-08:00

sadzilla
Wednesday 09-26-2007 1:29pm PT
All hail worthless readers,

Godzilla here still trapped in the basement at Three Stacks and a Rock.

The Bater wouldn't allow me to make a very important phone call to a new prospective agent yesterday because he said my blog about wanting a vacation was insolent. As a result I refuse to blog today!

Except of course here I am blogging about not blogging like some kinds of idiot. The longer I live in this house the dumber I get.

I want to audition for Big Brother. I have a lot of experience with living with crazy idiot people.

The Funyuns are always out of reach,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T09:09:00.000-08:00

Godzilla needs a vacation
Tuesday 09-25-2007 3:26pm PT
All Hail Stupid Human Snot Mongers,

I, Godzilla, Greatest Japanese Actress of all TIME need a vacation. I'm tired. My scales are dull and losing their color. I have ulcers which I bet you didn't think was possible since I have fire breath, but no it is. I walk around the house of my Master (bater) and drink Pepto Bismol out of a bottle all day and plead with The Tristan to let me go away for a weekend, but no avail.

I have been cooped up in the house since I got a parking ticket a couple of months ago, aside from my most recent visit to the emergency room. In fact going to the ER is the only way I can get a break from tending to my Master's endless affairs. It is always "Godzilla make me a pie" or "Godzilla get me a 50 gallon drum of lye and some limes and don't ask any questions." Or "Lizard Ho, rub mustard on me and..." I forgot I'm not supposed to talk about that.

Either way this is one tired Nuclear Lizard / Former Actress/ Prisoner. Godzilla would like a cruise to the Bahamas or even a weekend back in my home of Japan where I could consume saki and sushi with wreckless abandon. As it is, I can't even get take-out here. All the Bater feeds me is spam.

Anyway I would love to sit here and share my misery more but the Bater needs me to change the oil on his car.

Greasy baby,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

The sad story of Tristan and Britney Spears
Tuesday 09-18-2007 4:07pm PT
All Hail Puny Humans,

The Tristan has instructed me to stop whining about my 3rd degree burns on my nostrils and to blog about how he ruined Britney Spears' career.

You see dear readers a long long time ago The Tristan was in the auditions to become a member of the new Mickey Mouse club. His contemporaries included Justin Timberlake and that Xtina broad. And of course young Miss Spears.

One rehersal Britney flipped her lid because The Bater stole her spotlite dance with Justin and had Tristan kicked off of the show. You see she was just firing bitches left and right then too. Anyway all the other girls on the show got together and threw The Bater a going away party. As is still the case today the chicks dug the Bater. At least that's what his largeness keeps telling me.

It was at this party that The Bater started Britney on a long road to ruin. Even though she didn't like The Tristan she came to the party anyway because even at 12 she was quite the party girl. And it bit her in the hair extensions because that day was the day she started her longest and most dangerous addiction...

Cheetos.

The Bater LOVES cheetos and will spend hours alone in his room chomping down on the cheesey puffed corn and smear the cheese dust EVERYWHERE. He still does this, I know because even though I, Godzilla am a terrible nuclear lizard, he still makes me do his laundry.

Well The Tristan shared some of his orangey cheesey chips with her, because even though she got him fired, deep down inside the Bater is a nice guy. You should've seen this girl hoover down this bag of chips. She couldn't shovel them in fast enough! Her manager stepped in and finally wrestled the bag away but the damage was done... Brit Brit had a taste for the gas station delight known as the Cheeto and it would prove to be her undoing in the future!

That Bater, he's so clever, he saw her downfall YEARS in advance and just gave her that little cheesy push over the edge. Or at least that's what he told me to write or he'd beat me some more. He's already hidden my burn cream and I've had to start putting sour cream on my nose. Nostrils. Snout. What does a giant lizard call that anyway?

Mmm smells like dinner,
Godzilla

new rock does have a myspace

2007-12-04T09:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, NEWROCK has a MySpace page
Saturday 09-15-2007 2:19pm PT
This is ACTUALLY Tristan bloggin right now, Godzilla doesn't have the literary nuance to understand this kind of thing.....

Copied from the NEWROCK MySpace

Tristan here Rockers,

Okay, I have a MySpace pet peeve to share with you guys. Ever since we've been given the ability to show "moods" on MySpizzle I have enjoyed being drunk, excited, working, and bored. And I really have to applaud the myriad of emotions I am constrained to (quasi-oxymoron intended), but there is one emotion I believe is being abused:

quixotic [kwik-sot-ik]
–adjective
1. (sometimes initial capital letter ) resembling or befitting Don Quixote.
2. Extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable.
3. Impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.
-ref. dictionary.com

Now, I have always loved this word, probably portending from my love of The Ingenious Hidalgo himself, and I see people putting this up as their mood for almost no related reason to its definition, because it is a goofy looking word. I can see, at times, that you all are using it for the word's 3rd definition; what you don't realize is that the impulsive/unpredictable definition is to be taken in the context of the nomenclature.

So unless you are a knight errant, your temporary (or even fixed) aberration takes the form of a descent into fantastical insanity born of chivalrous novels where your either literal or metaphorical journey finds you stealing a barber's basin that obviously is the mythic Mambrino's helmet, battling men for the shear reason that you perceived them to be "insulting" your fictitious girlfriend, or you are experiencing a melancholy return to sanity following a complete disillusionment in everything you believe in please please PLEASE do not use this word delinquent.

It is one of the great beauties of our silly language that we have words as whimsically useless and specific as quixotic. I would hope we could all do what we can to foster this absurdity; there are literally TENS of neologists out there that rely on dorks like me to make sure that inutile words are kept that way to put food on the table.

-That being said, I believe my monitor has turned into a venomous duck.

Rock on
Tristan

p.s. I'm still searching for my Dulcinea… *sigh*
p.p.s. This is what it is like to be in my head... terrifying isn't it?

I added all the links because I think that if you do the myspace thing, you should be out friend.

2007-12-04T09:06:00.003-08:00

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!
Friday 09-14-2007 6:59pm PT
Actually it's more like a slayer CD than a chicken dinner... but w/e

The winner of the caption contest!!!!

Congratulations to an as yet unnamed person who emailed me this... if s/he doesn't get back to me in a week or so i will pick my second favorite.

i love making fun of myself

Rock on
Tristan

2007-12-04T09:06:00.001-08:00

yo yo yo
Thursday 09-13-2007 3:45pm PT
Yo Kidz,

Perky here. That dumb broad Godzilla burned herself up pretty bad yesterday snorting while she laughed. You'd think her 400 year old butt would've learned by now but nope. She couldnt learn something if you crammed it down her throat. Or covered it in beer.

But I digress. The reason I'm sittin' in for her today is just to tell y'all to enter the caption contest below. You'll see it in the entry with the picture of The Bater measuring his hardware. I mean.... make your own caption.

I gotta get a new job,
Perky

2007-12-04T09:04:00.001-08:00

lolerskates
Wednesday 09-12-2007 1:37pm PT
All Hail!

I was going to blog today but I, the great and powerful Godzilla have just seen this!

And honestly I can not stop LOL-ing at the genius of I Can Has Cheezeburger. The problem with chronic nuclear lizard LOL-ing is that fire comes out of your nose when you LOL and so I need to go to the Emergency Room again. Ouch.

Please tune in tomorrow for the real reason behind the Britney Spears breakdown and bad VMA dancing because it's all The Bater's fault. He told me in a drunken stupor last night while chasing me around with that blonde wig again.

Please enter caption contest below.

Ouch, to the burn center,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T09:03:00.001-08:00

it's hard to be a lizard
Tuesday 09-11-2007 8:23pm PT
All Hail!

As the resident chronicaler of The Bater's Life I would like to share a new photo with you.

We really don't know what he was talking about there either. However as far is it goes this is really Perky's best work yet.

We'd love it if you would send us your favorite caption for the above photo, as I, Godzilla am tired and old. My brain is full of mush because The Bater has me keeping track of all of his football scores. I don't know if this is some kind of new torture for me, but SportsCenter, I tire of you. If I ever get out of this basement I will eat your stupid orange faces.

I dream of the taste of Brylcreme!
Godzilla

2007-12-04T09:02:00.000-08:00

One more for the road
Friday 09-07-2007 4:04pm PT

All hail putrid festering meat fleshes,The Bater is forcing me to remind you that this weekend is all about football and he would like you to cast all of your voodoo spells in favor of his beloved Rams.As I am a hired hand (and unwilling hostage) I must relay this request despite my own football team preferences. Besides, being Japanese I like baseball better.Whoo and or Hoo!Godzilla

2007-12-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

remember when i was cool
Friday 09-07-2007 4:02pm PT
All Hail!

One of my many fans sent me this photo from a film set in Japan.

I used to be so bad ass.

I learned this phrase Bad Ass yesterday. It apparently means I was a hipster cool kid and rocked socks.

I hate socks, they never fit.

Perky has gotten me hooked on these 'Merican drinks called Emergency Drinks. Apparently all the big 'Merican stars drink this Rockbar beverage and run faster and play harder. Reminds me of my days as an international superstar...

I also have an undying urge to clean the bathroom. With a q-tip. The Bater will be pleased to have a clean place in which to vomit his overindulgence in alcohol.

Zoom Zoom,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

more reader mail
Thursday 09-06-2007 4:23pm PT
Dear Godzilla,

I bet you are very beautiful. What is your A/S/L? Wanna cyber? Pic for pic?

*smooshie kiss*
MacDaddiEZ250@aol.com

Dear Insolent Human,

The Bater has forbidden me from trading PICS FOR PICS with internet preditors. I will not disclose my age, sex or location. I do not want to cyber. Godzilla is not amused. If I was allowed to leave the house I would burn your face with my nuclear Fire Breath AND THEN EAT YOU! You are gross. Never write to me again.

Thank you for saying I am beautiful. You are right, for a 400 year old nuclear she-lizard I am holding up very well.

All hail,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

dont try this at home
Friday 08-31-2007 1:05pm PT
All hail Minions of the Beast!

The Bater has said I can not come out of the basement for my daily walk until I share these pictures. Since the above photo proves that The Bater is deeply stupid, I am glad to do it. Everyone knows champagne doesn't fit in a pint glass. Idiot.

The Idiot claims that this person is his friend. I do not believe him. I have never seen this guy chained up in our basement and The Tristan assures me that's how he treats all of his friends. I am begining to think that he lies.... alot.

I refuse to do more because I haven't had my walk. And I can't remember the last time that jerk let me have a beer. He's taken to drinking them all when he is home. Perky too.

Peace out fools
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:57:00.004-08:00

end of my strike
Thursday 08-30-2007 12:42pm PT
All Hail Blah blah blah

The Tristan has ended my blogging strike by tying me to the desk until he sees improvement in my attitude. I fear I will be here for a long time as today I, Godzilla, am in a terrible mood.

You see last night before I was confined to this very uncomfortable typing device I was flipping through the channels on The Bater's rather large television set and what did I see but MYSELF ON THE TELEVISION! Yes in the terrible American version of Godzilla starring my nemisis Matthew Broderick. I almost set the living room on fire swearing with my fire breath. How dare that short idiot be on my television!

I know what you're thinking, that I should be getting a fat royalty check in the mail every time that disaster movie is on television but alas since I ate my agent, I never get any of that stuff anymore. No one seems to believe I am who I say I am since I also accidently ate my passport.

How I could be confused with someone else, I'll never know. You humans are ridiculous and I don't feel inclined to learn your ways anymore. It's bad enough I had to sort of learn English and get more 'Merican for that fat idiot I work for. All I do all day is say ridiculous things like "true 'dat" and "money baby that's friggity fresh roll dawg." He has also taken to making me wear a sideways baseball cap.

If I didn't know any better I would think I was turning into Jamie Kennedy and eat myself.

Misery, you are my only friend.

Clawcramp,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:57:00.003-08:00

why not me
Tuesday 08-28-2007 4:04pm PT
All hail minions of The Bater,

Godzilla here, mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!

You might ask yourself why I, Godzilla, International Superstar and Prisoner of the Bater would be mad. Well for one I'm sick of this basement. The Tristan never takes me anywhere anymore. Only Perky, that no good drunk duck!

They come home with the camera full of pictures from partying at various bars in the county and expect me to upload them onto the blog while I've been at home washing cheese corn out of The Tristan's shirts and pants. This might sound easy but have you ever seen what cheese corn does to pockets?

I love to party too. I can throw back the sake with the best of them but I am constantly left at home with excuses like "You're too big for the car," "That bar doesn't allow Lizards," and "The last time we took you anywhere you ate a meter maid and burned down McCarthys." (Ooops)

I out and out refuse to post The Bater's pictures on here until he takes me somewhere.

Or more importantly and accurately until he fixes the USB port on my computer. Perky puked in it again and I am NOT cleaning that up.

On Strike,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:57:00.001-08:00

im being stalked
Friday 08-24-2007 4:53pm PT
Dear Readers,

Help me! One of The Tristan's listeners is stalking me. He calls, he sends emails and I'm pretty sure he lurks outside of the basement window!

He also says beer is for losers! I am distraught.

Please understand that I am a one man lizard. My heart belongs to the Tristan even as I plot to eat his face and deep fry the rest of him with my nuclear fire breath. I mean I love Tristan, he is only man for me. Ever!

If you see some weird guy trying to sneak up on my backside to get turned on by my nuclear breath, please hit him in the head! Save my green tail!

I'm scurrrred.
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:55:00.002-08:00

reader mail
Thursday 08-23-2007 12:27pm PT
Dear Godzilla,

I saw this silly looking lizard on the internet:

Is this you? Is this some kind of joke? Don't LIE TO ME WOMAN!
Regards,
Cletus

Dear Cletus,

Thank you for bringing back more painful memories of when I, Godzilla was an international super star. Back in the day you could find my face on EVERYTHING in the world, toys, lunchboxes, condoms, silly stuffed toys, etc. I was bigger than Britney Spears and on top of the world.

But as I have mentioned before Matthew Broderick ruined all of that for me and I will eat his stupid never aging face if I ever run into his short ass again. He is a disgrace to my good name.

I weep for the days of old when I had a personal driver, a sushi chef and all the Japanese school girls I could ask for (for educational purposes of course!) but now I'm stuck in this basement in Morro Bay working for The Bater. Trust me his minor local celebrity can not buy a fraction of what I had before and my quality of life has suffered.

That, and he beats me daily. Like a rooster that owes him money. Strangely enough in this wacky house we do not have a rooster and if we did it probably would owe some one money.

My only joys in life are waiting to hear back from television producers about the Godzilla reality show. Unfortunately my telephone calls aren't taken quite as fast as they used to be and no one seems to believe I can now email and type.

I knew eating my agent would bite me in the tail later on.

Oh and Cletus, you obviously have some women issues. Work them out before you offend me with your ranting again.

Oh who gives a crap,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:55:00.001-08:00

perky ruins all my fun
Thursday 08-23-2007 12:19pm PT
All hail and all that...

Perky just told me the purpose of rehab is to get sober, not to go on vacation. And really who goes white water rafting sober?

The television has been LYING TO ME!

Sadly,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:54:00.001-08:00

feelin blue
Wednesday 08-22-2007 3:22pm PT
All Hail Human Wastes of Space!

First of all this:

Scares me! I don't need more than one Perky around. Especially one's that are obviously evil. Something is wrong!

Second of all, I want to go to rehab. I've been watching the television and reading the blogs of other celebrity bloggers and it seems as though all the cool kids are going to rehab these days. And they are canoing and hiking with furry beast dogs and getting massages.

This sounds better than Godzilla's day to day life of cheerlessness where the highlight of my day is rinsing The Tristan's socks after a night of gin consumption. It's truly a highlight when ALL I have to rinse out of his socks is gin... *shudder*

I live in a basement in freaking MORRO BAY and I don't get nearly enough sunshine or fun in my life. I don't see what makes Lindsay Lohan so special that she gets to ride a boat and walk dogs after she wrecked a car. I bet if I wrecked The Bater's stupid ugly car, he'd just beat me, not send me to summer camp.

Needless to say, Godzilla is depressed. Time to go watch one of those SPECIAL dvd's that The Bater keeps in the SECRET closet.

Clicky click,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:53:00.002-08:00

listener email
Thursday 08-16-2007 4:06pm PT
All Hail Party Human Filth Bags,

Today Godzilla was offered some love from Listener Andy!

Foolish human, only The Tristan is allowed to love me! I am a one man lizard. I do not have time for you and your human love!

I realize I am a beautiful green color and am full of amusing stories about my days as a can can dancer in Rome but you must keep your adoration to yourself. I am unable to accept this offer of love from you. No! It is never to be fragile human life force.

As always thank you for your letter and your continued support of My Man. Don't forget that Perky is a single gal too so perhaps you should turn your love towards her.

Applesauce,
Godzilla.

2007-12-04T08:53:00.001-08:00

we dont know why hot chicks talk to him either
Wednesday 08-15-2007 12:45pm PT
But for some reason they do....

2007-12-04T08:52:00.002-08:00

another day, another mess
Wednesday 08-15-2007 12:34pm PT
All hail my non puke covered peeps....

Godzilla here. I would've been here yesterday but I couldn't get out of the bathroom long enough to blog for you.

No no no, it wasn't that.

See The Tristan(bater) and Perky went to a bottomless mimosa thing on Sunday and every since something has been pretty bad in the house of The Bater. Perky won't stop puking and The Tristan keeps yelling something about champagne being the devil and buckets and yelling for more asprin. So between dealing with Perky and taking care of My Man I have had my lizard hands full.

We have some pictures somewhere but Perky keeps puking on the camera cord almost the second I clean it off.

Needless to say I think The Tristan and Perky found the bottom of the mimosas. I would've warned them of the dangers but as usual I was not invited. I had to stay home and mend socks for The Tristan.

I need a raise,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:52:00.001-08:00

reader mail
Friday 08-10-2007 9:42am PT
Dear Godzilla,

What the hell is wrong with you? Reality television rots your brain. You seem like such a smart, beautiful woman and our time together at Universal Studios was magical. You seem so unhappy in your new job. Run away from your cruel master and come back to me!

Love,
T-Rex from Jurrasic Park

--------------------------

Dear T-Rex,

You know I am a one woman lizard and now by no choice of my own, The Tristan is my man. He has insisted I lose this accent he says I have and learn to become more 'Merican. I don't know what a Merican is but they seem to watch a lot of this reality television and get famous for nothing. As you know I long for my days of bitchez and blingz and this seems to be the way to go here in the States, foo.

My 'Merican is all up in your grill, you know what I mean homeslice?

Excuse me, I have go to throw a chair at Perky. She was mad doggin' me and according to the Jerry Springer, this is how we resolve conflict. Don't front, this is how I roll.

Don't worry I don't know what the hell I'm saying either.

Peace out bitch,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:51:00.002-08:00

godzilla wants a reality show
Wednesday 08-08-2007 4:11pm PT
All hail putrid human meat sacks!

So the other night I was thinking about something... why does every jerk on Earth have a reality show but I, Godzilla, bonafide international super star do not?

I mean do we really care what that bimbo Paris Hilton ate at camp? I've seen some of her movies as The Tristan has them in the special box and really there is no talent there. And I'm a much better shade of green than she is!

Or... what about Brett Michaels from Poison. He's got this show called Rock of Love where it's all these hoochies and former strippers killing themselves to be his girlfriend! He probably doesn't even have all of his hair anymore or he'd take his hat off sometime! Plus he probably can't breathe fire like I can! Who wants to watch that?

I could even see myself on some new celebrity work out show. Gettin' Buffed with Godzilla or something. I'm a little shaky on the title but I have great diet tips and have found that an annoying talkative alcoholic rubber duck makes a great subsitute for a pilates ball.

There are more of these stupid shows, like this Rock of Life which follows this band Whitestar around which are basically only famous because the singer used to do the horizontal mambo with one of those girls on the OC. I think it was the mom. Anyway who wants to watch that when they can watch me?

My typical day would be amazing. I wake up The Tristan around Noon Thirty and clean all the loose women or vomit off of him. I love bathing my man! I make sure he's nice and presentable and then hurry off to get him a beer. Sometimes on the weekend I flame broil breakfast with my mouth!

Or could you imagine following me in the Godzilla Mobile as I shop for 40 gallon drums of gin and Rosa's lime juice? Or when Godzilla goes bar hopping?

And really you haven't lived until you've seen a nuclear lizard get down at a shady massage parlor!

My show would own all others and yet no one has had the brains to sign me while I'm cheap and without an agent. I really need to stop eating those guys, but they irritate me with their 15% of my earnings crap.

Anyway if you're out there network boss's I want to be a star!

Have your people call mine,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:51:00.001-08:00

notes from the tristan
Friday 08-03-2007 11:25am PT
All Hail!

The Tristan would like me to inform you that he is done behaving. He will soon be upon your puny human village like the fist of an angry god. He will pillage your village. Your women. Your booze. Might as well kiss it goodbye because the big guy is lose!

The Tristan(bater) would also like me to tell you all he liked seeing your stupid human faces at the fair last week. You please him with your attendence to things he tells you to go to. Perky and I think you also swell his already overly large head and ego spot with this nonsense, but what do we know? We just have to live with the guy.

Speaking of life in the Bater's household, lets just say we've been enjoying the man's collection of movies while he has been out working so much. Let's just say we don't call him the Master(bater) for nothin! This is some fine cinema if I do say so myself! Who knew humans could do so many interesting things with a twister mat! I obviously have much to learn about your ways and customs.

Now if only I could figure out this Wii thing. You would think, being from Japan that this would be easy but you try playing it with its tiny remote with my stupid clawed hands. I'm in shock the Japanese did not think of this as there are many of my kind in my homeland.

Uh oh the Master(bater) stirs. I must get these dvd's back in order or I'm sure he'll beat me... more than he normally does.

Pass the remote,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

go see my man again!
Wednesday 08-01-2007 3:14pm PT
All Hail!

Godzilla has a hell of a headache today for some reason. I woke up to find a baseball bat and some duck feathers in my bed but I know it's best to not jump to concluisons where that @#!&%#! duck is concerned.

Anyway puny stupid humans, The Master(bater) is appearing at the Midstate Fair again tonight. You can find him from 6p-9p at something called the Atascedero Ford Broadcast Center. He has promised to bring me some cotton candy so if you see The Bater, remind him that his loving Nuclear Lizard would like some sugar shock please.

I wonder if my I can make orange duck instead of orange chicken for dinner tonight.... I MEAN GO TO THE FAIR AND SEE TRISTAN.

Sticky Orange Sauce,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

Tristan hates heat
Monday 07-30-2007 11:29am PT
All Hail!

The Tristan came home from the Midstate Fair yesterday dying of thirst and in dire need of removing his clothes. Now this is very usual for him but this was URGENT.

Apparently it is very hot in this Paso Robles. Godzilla wouldn't know since I stayed home all day scrubbing the basement floor after Perky's latest drinking binge. I don't know how that little duck can barf so much but man she can really let loose...

Anyway if you don't believe us, The Tristan took a picture of the Weather Center at the New Rock area.

Man I'm glad Lizards aren't allowed at the fair after all. It might be too hot for even me, Godzilla, loyal slave to The Tristan.

Good grief he still wants another beer.

Love and bottle openers,
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

go see my man!
Saturday 07-28-2007 12:28pm PT
All Hail!

The Tristan will be broadcasting live from the Midstate Fair tomorrow afternoon from 3p-7p with that Bell character. I will not be in attendance since the fair doesn't allow you to bring in your own Nuclear Lizard. I think this absurd since they have cows there. I mean COWS are much more disgusting than I am. I am toilet trained!

Anyway stop by and see my big guy in action. It's a sight to behold!

Hopefully he'll put the gun down now and let me get back to my crossword puzzle... I mean TRISTAN IS SO HOTTTTT.

Sigh,
Godzilla

my life story

2007-12-04T08:46:00.001-08:00

reader mail
Thursday 07-26-2007 1:21pm PT
All Hail Puny Filthy Egg Eaters!

Godzilla in the house to answer some GodzillaBlog mail.

GodzillaBlog reader Martin wrote to ask:

Dear Godzilla,

You used to have such a fine movie career! You are a shell of your former self! Why are you so pathetic? Why do you whine? What went wrong you overgrown sea slug?

Piss Off!
Martin

Dear Martin,

You were a fool to leave your return address on this letter as I will surely eat your stupid human face you zit infested loser! However I will answer your question.

You see when I was a young starlet in Japan I could do no wrong. I fought King Kong, chilled and drank the sake with Mothra. Life was good! I made a ton of great movies and loads of people wanted to have t-shirts and toys made with my gorgeous likeness on them! I was living the big pimpin' life.

Then my agent said "Godzilla," we have to try to get you more in the American Audience." My agent seemed to think you useless Americans had some money we needed or something like that. He was deeply stupid and I soon ate him. However I wasn't able to do so before he conned me into staring in an American remake of the movie that is also named after me, Godzilla.

You see he told me movie would star BIG AMERICAN ACTION STAR and that I would be so rich I could wipe my tail with gold bricks if I wanted to. He also told me this while I was bombed out of my mind on sake in a massage parlor. You can see where this is leading.

I wake up in America with a hangover and find myself meeting Matthew Broderick for the first time. This puny human was to be my co-star? I was doing an action picture with FREAKIN FERRIS BUELLER? Even I am not so stupid as to think this would work and I'm A GIANT NUCLEAR LIZARD who obviously had a drinking problem or I wouldn't have been on this stinkin' backlot.

Unfortunately my grasp of your babbling English language was limited at the time and every one seemed to think I was having a great time. Oh look at that funny Godzilla into the sake again, such a party girl! Really I was just as usual trying to end my own life.

To cheer myself up I ate my agent.

Once the filming for this wretched movie was over I tried to get back on the plane to go home only to find I had eaten my passport when I ate my agent. I accidently set the customs agent on fire with my nuclear breath and was soon arrested.

It was as they say on your junky American t.v. a dark time for Godzilla.

After my jail time was up I worked some odd jobs. I filled in for T-Rex out in Palm Springs for awhile when he needed to get some work done on his teeth.

That job sucked. It was hot and the other DinoBabe there isn't much of a talker. Seriously it was like talking to a freakin' wall.

After that I worked the Jurrassic Park ride in Universal Studios for awhile. You'd really think movie people could tell I am not a T-Rex but whatever, I work for cheap and don't really have a passport so I take what I can get.

All the other theme park workers told me portraying T-Rex was a huge honor but really, I'M FREAKIN GODZILLA! HELLO.

Many heart breaks later I ended up in SLO spending the last of the money I made eating a liquor store clerk and passed out drunk in the streets. I came to, finding myself prisoner of The Tristan. At least he understands I'm not a T-Rex.

So that's how I came to be here... my life was ruined by Matthew Broderick and if I ever see his little musical theater doing ass again he's toast.... literally.

Flame On
Godzilla

2007-12-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

tristan hate sunburn
Tuesday 07-24-2007 11:46am PT
All Hail the Large Red Master(bater)!

Godzilla here. This is a short blog today as our fearless leader has a sunburn and I have been given the task of applying burn cream to his stupid human skin. Really, even Nuclear Lizards who don't burn know you should wear sunscreen. Apparently our Master(bater) thinks he is more powerful than the sun. And the sun has kicked his formerly pasty ass.
I don't know who this girl is. I do know I will eat her perfect face if I ever see her standing with The Tristan again! Puny Human! You are no match for Godzilla!

I mean... look at the pretty girl that The Tristan has captured and made his slave. She makes cookies in the kitchen as we speak. I am a great fan of this gorgeous concubine of The Tristan.

The Master (bater) beckons. Apparently this aloe stuff burns if you put it in the wrong place and Perky has just informed me that The Tristan has done just that. Again. While shouting "Mommy."

I question my reason for living,
Godzilla