I busted Perky

Perky apparently is a raver and likes to dress up and dance to terrible techno music.

HOW FIERCE!

SQUEEEEEE!

All Hail Legions of the Bater!

Yesterday I got some amazing news from the interwebz. It seems my boyband crushes of my youth are getting back together! There are rumblings of a New Kids on the Block reuinion!

SQUEEEEE!

You see when I was a young starlet in Japan I wanted nothing more to meet these boys!

My manager tried to set it up because let's face it, young musicians LOVE actresses, especially ones that are of my level of fame! But it never came to be because Danny, the Ugly One was allergic to Nuclear Lizards! Can you imagine? Who has such an allergy? We're quite dander-free! I think he was just scared, but he didn't have anything to worry about, I didn't have my eyes set on him!

I had his doll, but I ate it after they refused to meet me.!

My friends tried to console me with other NKOTB related goodies.

The Christmas album brought me no joy! I am Jewish after all.

And this comic book? Not funny!
The sleeping bag was perhaps the cruelest trick of all. I could sleep next to my crushes but I could not meet them, no matter how famous I was. Life can be cruel for a giant nuclear lizard.

I am hoping this time to meet them by exploiting my down on my luck hard times story of how I came to live with The Tristan. I mean they have to feel SORRY for me now, I'm a slave! Hanging out with me would be like charity. And maybe if I'm lucky Donnie, The BAD one will adopt me!

Swoon,

Godzilla

This website is bogus!

25

All Hail Readers!

As I, Godzilla International Supermodel and ex Ninja Assasin am also Godzilla, Queen of the Internets, I like to be up on all the latest memes out there. I am hip with the tubez as they are my only contact with the outside world except The Tristan and television. So when someone sent me this link http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/ I had to go at once to find out how many five year olds I could take in a fight.

You might see my results there at 25. This idiotic website didn't have anything to check to show that I have nuclear fire breath though or that I'm about 30 feet tall. Or THAT I'M A GIANT MONSTER WHO WRECKS THINGS! Clearly this website was designed for stupid humans and I find it offensive. I'd sue for discrimination against nuclear lizards but frankly The Bater has taken my phone priviledges away again and I can't call my lawyer. I actually can't afford a lawyer either since I'm a house slave with no money.

Either way this website is a crock. Go take the test and tell me how many five year olds you can take in a fight! I bet I still could take more!

godzilla hate perky

All Hail!

You see this cat? This is what I, Godzilla, International... awww I just don't care! This is what I look like today only less furry. Perky got me into trouble by feeding me visine so I got sick. And The Bater doesn't allow me to be sick because he has needs or something I could care less about.

The Bater hardly feeds us any more. He never brings home fresh booze and the house is without heat because he's mean and cheap! Perky manages to run down to the liquor store and trade her duck favors for gin for us. But it's always the cheap stuff. (What do you expect with that filthy harlot?)

I'd go on strike again or run away but frankly The Tristan wouldn't even care right now. He's neglecting his slaves. I'd report him but really, is there a National Slave Protection Society now? No!

Godzilla is depressed. I'm wet and cold because I have to sleep outside again until the Bater thinks I can come in. Even my nuclear fire breath is failing me.

Anyone want to adopt a depressed giant nuclear lizard?
Godzilla

godzilla is under the weather today

Yo, Perky here.

Godzilla doesn't feel like blogging today. It could be because I challenged her to a gin drinking contest last night while the Big Guy was out drinkin'. Only I gave Godzilla gallon jugs of viseine to drink.

Hell yeah, she puked. And some other... expellents.

Anyway she'll be back tomorrow if she can drag her scaley ass out of the bathroom!

Peace out,
Perky

behold the cloverfield monster

All Hail Readers!

I am going to add that JJ Abrams guy to my scat list. I am so sick of people seeing me and saying "Oh it's the Cloverfield monster."

I'M GODZILLA YOU IDIOTS. I'M THE THING THE CLOVERFIELD MONSTER IS AFRAID OF!

JJ Abrams is now on my list. Right after Matthew Broderick, who really signed me into this hell called Living With Tristan after all.

Bite Me!
Godzilla

Get Well Little Pig!

All Hail Readers!

Normally when you come to the Godzilla blog you find me here, complaining about how much I hate people not paying me for using my likeness or for ripping off my ideas or personas for making of the money. (Cloverfield, I'm talking to you.) But today I want to tell you about another lifeform I share a name with: Godzilla, the pig.

I found the story of Godzilla The Pig's life by reading some blog that Bell likes called Strongly Worded Letter. This Godzilla has cancer right now and is going through some treatments and this makes me Godzilla the Giant Nuclear Lizard sad for him. I hate being sick! Although if I was sick The Tristan would definately not read to me or feed me vanilla wafers. He'd probably just put me out in the yard again and tell me to rub some dirt on it.

Anyway I just wanted to say from one Godzilla to another, Get Well Little Pig! I fully endorse you using my name! May it make you well!

If you would like to read This Godzilla's story and leave him get well messages you can do so here.

Love,
Godzilla

my life is stupid

All Hail Legions of the Tristan,

It is I, Godzilla blogging again from the Nuclear Lizard dog house. I'm STILL in trouble for burning down the Bater's house while he was away on vacation. Personally I think he might have rigged the whole thing to happen and was planning my punishment then entire time he was gone. I mean I don't remember blowing up the house and he definately didn't bring me any souveniers from the Carribiean.

As you can see I've been busy mowing the lawn and I'm back on barf duty. The Bater drinks and barfs and I clean it up. Needless to say this happens all day every day and my life sucks as a result.

I'd start drinking too but he's changed the key to the liquor cabinet again. I am back to not caring if I win his affections back honestly and hope he chokes on his own puke.

I mean I love The Tristan and wish to be the center of his life once again. Forgive me Bater!

Gotta mow the lawn again,

Godzilla

godzilla on wii?

No time for formal salutations today dear readers!

Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute? I'm on a WII game and no one told.... ME?!?

I feel a rampage coming on!

Godzilla Smash!

(unless someone buys this game for me so I can play it on The Tristan's WII)

I should show this to Perky

I think the Bater will be pleased!

All hail legions of the Tristan!

As you know I, Godzilla star of stage and screen and international super model am in the nuclear lizard house for accidently burning down the Bater's double-wide mansion. I finally struck upon a way to make it up to him!

You might have heard that The Tristan is a motorcycle rider and LOVES his bike. I thought his bike could use some extra flare though and as a special treat I repainted it for him!

What do you think? Do you think that he will forgive me now? I can't wait for him to get home and check it out!!!

Happily,

Godzilla

(editors note: these pictures aren't really Tristan's bike. They come from another hilarious blog you should be checking out called Hello Kitty Hell)

this is why I'm hot

All Hail Legions of the The Bater!

Faithful reader Marcy just sent in this photo she found of yours truly, Godzilla, International Superstar, getting my star on the walk of fame in Hollywood.

I am most grateful since I don't remember anything about that day except waking up in a puddle of my own vomit in a dumpster behind the Cat and Fiddle sometime after 3am. Of course I'd been robbed and had no ID on me at the time. The police were not amused and did not in fact "KNOW WHO I WAS!"

Anyway, I digress.

Thank you Marcy, for sending me this photo and bringing me a piece of my once awesome life to treasure.

Currently I am thinking of suing the people making this Cloverfield movie. This is obviously another attempt to capitalize on what I do best: BE A GIANT MONSTER THAT DESTROYS THINGS. My agent should've been all over this! I mean would have if I hadn't eaten him years ago.

Anyway I, Godzilla International Superstar of Stage and Screen will be boycotting this movie. It looks like the Blair Witch of Giant Monster movies so I'm not spending my money on it.

Not to mention I'm still grounded for burning the house down.

Cheers!
Godzilla

I'M INTERNET FAMOUS

All Hail Readers!

It turns out that I, Godzilla, slave of The Bater, am totally internet famous! Look at me ! I was on http://www.stuffonmycat.com/!


It's okay to be jealous. I would be too if I wasn't already the most awesome nuclear lizard EVAH!!!!

This is a good thing! Perhaps it will convince The Bater to let me back into the house as he has banished me to a tent in the backyard after we burned down the double wide mansion.



Lucky for the Bater, the best part of manufactured homes is you can get a new one delivered very quickly! I can not believe the advances you American people have made in homemaking! He just called the 1-800 number on the charred wreckage of our home and WHAM! new house.

It's pretty cold in Morro Bay at night so I am hoping that soon I will be let back into the house.

Brrrrr.... defrost me!
Godzilla

i dont get it either

All hail readers!

Somehow I am still alive since The Bater's return to America. However he has been punishing me for burning down the double wide mansion. We have been listening to NOTHING but this song "Atomic Food" on endless repeat. I am going to be visiting the Britney Spears in the crazy ward!

Send more ear plugs,

Godzilla

I am going to die

All hail future Mourners of the Great Godzilla,

I should know by now not to listen to Perky and the damn cat but as all teens are apt to do when their masters are away, we threw a party.

And really everyone came....

This guy was the first to show up. I swear he got here like this.
Perky's girlfriend Mimi can not hold her liquor to save her life. You should've seen the barf puddle that girl left. She gave my nuclear lizard fire breath a run for it's money!
I invited Batman. When we used to party together back in the day he was much more capable of holding his Sake! If I had known he'd pass out in the backyard, I would've gone with my first pick, Superman!

I think this is one of the Twins from the radio station. I don't know for sure though. All I know is he drank all the So-Co and it made me angry!

This is Perky's Irish uncle Colin. He made one too many carbombs and the next thing I knew it was like the IRA had stormed the house.

Needless to say when The Tristan sees what became of the house, we are all very dead. Hopefully he'll kill Perky first though, because I have a request for Duck L'Orange as my last meal.

Pass the hose,

Godzilla

p.s. OH @#k! I forgot about this! He actually told us not to burn the house down! Crap.

godzilla can't come to the phone right now

I get some good emails

All hail fleshbags!

With the Bater gone to vacation I don't have much action going on here in the house. I have slowly been working my way through the large gin surplus in the basement and reorganizing The Tristan's "special" movies since he isn't around to hog the television.

I've also had some time to catch up on some of the email's I get at godzilla@newrock1073.com

From: Solomon Hartman [mailto:ElliotrimHumphrey@time.com]
Sent: Tue 1/1/2008 4:42 AM
To: Godzilla
Subject: lowest prices possible rolex


Top quality luxury watches... offered at discount prices!!

Dear Mr Solomon Hartman,

I recevied your kind and generous offer of discount watches. However I should advise you that I, Godzilla, am a GIANT NUCLEAR LIZARD. I doubt that you have a watch that would fit me. Also my nuclear radiation tends to mess up the calibration in almost every watch I've ever been near.

In short, thanks but no thanks,

Godzilla

From: Domenico Rodrigo [mailto:Rodrigokjwd@emazdad.com]
Sent: Tue 1/1/2008 5:23 PM
To: Godzilla
Subject: htorb1


Discreet, and effective - gain 3 inches in just 3 months!


Dear Mr Domenico Rodrigo,

I fear you may need to have a talk with your marketing team. In the New Year many American's strive to lose inches, not gain them. Why on Earth would I want to buck the time honored trend of lying about going on a diet and actually gain inches on purpose?

I am confused by you.
Godzilla

From: Marguerite Smart [mailto:velmpbrokerzof@mpbroker.be]
Sent: Tue 1/1/2008 12:46 AM
To: Godzilla
Subject: Be a hero!


Have a nice holiday!!!
Wish you looked like a hero in bed?
No stuff can support you in the better way than our pharmas!
Purchase only licensed medicines just from our drug-store!!

Dear Ms Smart,

Let me get this straight... your pharmacy sells tights and capes to look more like a hero in bed? Strange thing for a pharmacy to carry, but I suppose multiple purpose stores are becoming all the rage these days. However, I am not in the market for a cape or a pair of tights to sleep in. I find both to be constricting.

Best,
Godzilla