photos of the bater on the road

The Florida PD have Harleys

The Bater's Dad sleeping in the airport.

The Bater surfing porn in the Airport.

The Bater in Puerto Rico. He says it's hot as balls there, but I wouldn't know since I'm trapped in the house in Morro Bay.

This is the back of a boat.

Puerto Rico is basically the 51st State

The Bater and his sister Pirate Hooker going out on formal night on the boat.

a message from the Bater

Tristan here Rockers,


As some of you know last year my parents had the foresight to plan a family vacation at what would end up being one of the worst times for me in my life, stranding me in the Caribbean while there is work to be done!
Currently I am in Puerto Rico and I have so say my thoughts are elsewhere. I awoke this morning with a hangover I could not bear; not a hangover from booze (that I had as well) but a hangover of knowing that I was going to get knowledge that would serve only to devastate.

It was like a movie:

My sister called me spoke a few words that I did not hear and I dropped the phone. I sat up, swung my legs over the side of the bed and held my head in my hands.

I was faced with a dilemma: the news I received could only mean that there is no god in heaven; that the land of milk and honey that we all strive for acceptance to when we die doesn't exist. Is my faith so shallow that something that could be conveyed in but a moment in time convince me of aeithism? No. I cannot believe that. This must be a test. God has positioned me in a place where I have the opportunity for faith and I am to seize this fortune! It is my own fault for not denying myself those things in life that can cause me pain, therefore I am susceptible to it. Though I have no Nirvana I shall strive for it after this lesson. Today I am Job and my faith, though shaken, shall remain.

What, pray tell, could make me go through what could only be considered one of the more poignant philosophical and existential struggles of our time?

The Patriots beat the Giants.... Their perfect season cemented in the annals of history.

I just wish I could have seen it! It feels like if I were there with them, not in body, but in mind I could have made some kind of difference. Like if I were watching I could have willed Eli to throw a better pass, or made Tom Brady's arm break out in flaming herpetic sores the pus from which splattered his face causing permanent, agonizing, blindness. Alas, this is not so.

Maybe the patriots could suffer the same fate as the Uruguayan rugby team on October 13, 1972. They could crash into some desolate unreachable place and have to eat each other for sustenance... and maybe some natives could rape them.

...oh! And I lost my sunglasses on the flight over. That was pretty lame too.

So as for me, I’ve seen better days. I’ll tell you how the 51st state was when I am done with it.

Rock on,
Tristan

-------------
You'll notice he doesn't even miss his lovely and now starving personal assistant Godzilla. I'm going to eat his face when he gets home. Useless meat bag.

I can't believe this crap

All Hail Legions of the Stupid Bater,

So this morning I woke up to fetch the Bater's tea and toast and I noticed something strange. First off there was the distinct lack of the smell of stale gin and puke... Also I didn't find any stray bitches in the bathroom when I went to brush my giant teeth.

Confused, I walked into the Bater's room with breakfast in bed only to find this note:

Great, as usual I am left in the dark while that fat Bater has fun. My life sucks. And he took all the doorknobs off and barricaded the doors so I can't get out.

I just hope we have enough booze to last me until he gets back.

I'm thirsty,

Godzilla

LIVE METALLICA CONCERT FOR DOWNLOAD

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This site is fantastic!

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Happy Holidays from The Bater!

All Hail legions of the Bater,

It is I, Godzilla, Santa's own Elf, to share the Bater's Holiday wishes with you!

If you enjoyed the card and want to send some sarcastic nice gifts to your friends on the emails you can do so by checking out SomeEcards.com.

Happy Holidays!

Godzilla

I'm pretty sure Tristan is the Devil

All Hail Joyless Bags of Flesh!

It is I, Godzilla, Former International Superstar and I have come to a startling realization: The Tristan is actually The Devil.

Behold this photo taken at the Christmas party for The New Rock! Evidence is all over it!

1-Evil grin. Only someone up to no good at all would smile like this.

2-Visable Chest hair! He will use the "OH I'M ITALIAN" excuse here, but only gansters and devils go out with their chest hair blinging everywhere.

3-Speaking of bling, THE MAN HAS A BRACELET ON!

4-Much sweating: This is only proof that The Tristan was drinking everything in sight, and not getting drunk, another symptom of being PURE EVILE

5-last but not least: Look at his young capitive in this photo! Nice people don't take hostages!

No one ever believes me, but The Tristan = Evil. I should know, I live in his basement.

Rescue me?

Godzilla

p.s. I'm not just bitter because he forgot me in the car AGAIN the night of the party either.

A reader Question

Dear Godzilla,

I always read about your nuclear fire breath. I was wondering if you have any photos of this event and if you would share them with all of us.

Love,

Casey

-----------------------

Dear Casey,

As you can see in the photo to the right here, I Godzilla, International SuperStar have nuclear fire breath! It is not a special effect in any way. I mutated to this fire breathing beauty you see above some time ago and even though it has been an adjustment, I am very proud of my fire breathing. Sometimes The Bater uses me for it when he needs to barbeque. You haven't lived until you've had roasted salmon done by nuclear fire breath.

Flame on!

Godzilla

Christmas is coming

All Hail!

It is I, the Great and Powerful Godzilla. And I am in the dog house again.

You see as I am not American, I am not used to your countries customs and when The Tristan told me Christmas was coming, I wanted to make him a traditional Japanese Christmas Cake!

For those of you who aren't familiar here is an explaination:

Christmas cake in other countries
In Japan, Christmas cake,
traditionally eaten on Christmas Eve, is simply a sponge
cake, frosted with whipped cream, decorated with strawberries, and usually
topped with Christmas chocolates or other seasonal fruit. In the Philippines, Christmas cakes
are bright rich yellow pound cakes with macerated nuts or fruitcakes of the
British fashion. Either way, both are soaked in copious amounts of brandy or rum
mixed with a simple syrup of palm sugar and water. Traditionally, civet or ambergris musk flavoring is
added, but rosewater or orange flower water is more common now, as civet musk
and ambergris have become very expensive[citation
needed]. These liquor-laden cakes can usually stay fresh for many months
provided it is handled and made properly. Because of its long shelf life, it is
a very popular gift for Christmas and one cake made the previous year is
sometimes saved for the next Christmas to symbolize union with "Christmases
past", or may be consumed for the following Easter[citation
needed].

You can probably already tell where my preperation of this cake when south. I really should not be trusted with alcohol or fire at the same time but no one was home to stop me and I had to get this cake made for The Tristan.

First of all, the only rum we had in the house was the Bacardi 151 which you know catches on fire. And of course I had to drink some to make sure it was still good. I mean, rum could go bad, right?

Well it turns out if you add rum to the hot breath of a nuclear lizard you get a giant fire. And even though the Bater is fond of saying "die in a fire" he doesn't seem to actually want to die in a fire.

We got the fire put out but not before I totally scorched and destroyed the liquor cabinet. So not only am I in trouble, I'm sober.

Send more sake,
Godzilla

When I say Sake, You Say Bomb!

All hail human fleshbags!

It is I, Godzilla here again to blog for The Tristan.

Again, I am in trouble and I feel as though it is that fat bastard's fault. Let me tell my side of the story.

The other day The Bater was feeling nice and set up some Sake Bombs in the house for Perky and I. If you've never had a sake bomb, it's basically a cup of sake dropped into a Japanese beer. For maximum fun, you balance two chopsticks on top of the beer glass prop up the sake cup on them and then tap the table to get the sake cup to fall into the beer glass. There is usually a great deal of loud chanting going on and then you slam the glass of beer. I can blame this little game on a great many nights of wandering lost in Japan during my famous heyday!

Anyway theBater sets this up and starts the chant and I slam my claws down on the table and the next thing you know, CARNAGE there was sake, tokkuri (that's the bottle sake is served in) and beer everywhere. I broke a tokkuri and the next thing you know, it's back to the basement for yours truly.

I don't understand why the Bater always forgets I'm pretty much gigantic. I'm a mutated nuclear lizard. I don't know my own strength! It's like the time I sat on one of his date's laps and totally killed her. I didn't mean to, she was just fragile and human.

And I've never killed anyone... ha ha. Why would I say that?

Crap.
Godzilla

PROOF I WAS ONCE FAMOUS!

THEY DON'T GIVE THESE BABIES OUT TO JUST ANYONE!!!

Or wait... how does one get a star on the walk of fame...

Let's ask wikipedia.org since all I remember about the ceremony is being very drunk on sake... Godzilla LOVES sake.

"The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a sidewalk along Hollywood Boulevard
and Vine
Street in Hollywood,
Los Angeles, California, United States, which is
embedded with more than 2,000 five-pointed stars featuring the names of not only
human celebrities but fictional
characters honored by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce
for their contributions to the entertainment industry. The Walk of Fame is
maintained by the self-financing Hollywood Historic Trust. The first star,
awarded on February 9, 1960, went to Joanne Woodward."

Hmm, I am not a fictional character or human! I must be special! What else do you have to tell me Wikipedia?

Star nomination process
In order for a person to get a star
on the Walk of Fame, he or she must agree to attend a presentation ceremony
within five years of selection, and a $25,000 fee must be
paid to the Trust for costs such as security at the star ceremony; a 2003 FOX News story
noted that the fee is typically paid by sponsors such as film studios and record companies, as
part of the publicity for a release with
which the honoree is involved.[citation
needed] On other occasions, the fee is paid by a fan club or the nominating
person or organization.
Controversy and mystery surrounds the way the stars
are nominated and approved, as discussed in a 2001 ABC News story that
interviewed honorary Hollywood mayor Johnny Grant.

Crap, this really explains the 25,000 dollar charge on my Diner's Club card.

But hey, at least the star is there.

I'm ready for my close up Mr. Bater,

Godzilla

All Hail!!

It is I, Godzilla the former International Superstar of Stage and Screen!

I have been on vacation for the past couple of weeks because my Master (bater) finally agreed that I needed a break. It could've had something to do with threatening to eat his stupid box shaped car but I don't know. Maybe he finally had a change of mind.

During my downtime I went to Japan to see my family. Okay that's not true, The Bater would not allow such things. I actually went out for sushi. Wait no that didn't happen either. I actually did not go any where.

I did however catch up on some television watching and realize that now more than ever televisions executives need to hire me. I am already a trained actor and writer who does everything for free as it is. I don't need a contract, just give me a show! Even if it's DANCING WITH GODZILLA.

That might be funky fresh as you American peoples say...

I have no idea why I just said that. Too much television, not enough sake. I'll be back in full force starting this week with all of my cheeky antics very soon.

All My Love,
Godzilla

something only the Bater will laugh at
Wednesday 11-28-2007 4:18pm PT
All Hail Joyless Meat Sacks!

Sometimes I get out of blogging by posting things I know the Bater will find amusing. And this is the kind of humor he loves. He shares these sorts of jokes with The Homeless Josh.

As I am an internerational superstar and a giant nuclear lizard I do not share their sense of humor, so any time I find something that isn't funny to me I know they will laugh. There you go.... nerds.

Where's my protractor?
Godzilla

back from vacation
Wednesday 11-28-2007 4:15pm PT

All Hail!

It is I, Godzilla back from my Thanksgiving break! When the Turkey Coma wears off I will be blogging again for the The Tristan!

Zzzzzz,
Godzilla

why am i not on tv again

why am i not on tv again
Thursday 11-15-2007 8:42am PT
All Hail!

First meat sacks, I need you to go watch this.


Tell me please why there isn't "A Shot At Love with: Godzilla!" I'm Asian too and I'm a lot more talented than Tila Tequila. Sure, my name isn't is an alcohol but that's not her real name! Everyone knows girls who take their clothes off for a living use stage names!

I don't even wear clothes! If this crap is television, I want to be the host next season. Make me more "famous."

I mean any idiot can make a myspace account. I even have one!

America, you confuse me.
Godzilla

sean morrey likes teresa too much

the bater and Sean Morery
Tuesday 11-13-2007 12:54pm PT
All Hail,

Last Saturday The Bater was yucking it up with Sean Morey from the Bob & Tom show while I, Godzilla, internerational superstar stayed home to wash The Bater's socks.

strike!

Going on strike seems to be a way to meet interesting Hollywood actors, so I am going too. Someone give me a ride to Disney and I'll strike against my tyrant boss too!

gimmie the gong show
Wednesday 11-07-2007 6:22pm PT
All hail faithful Meat Sacks!

Did you hear? The screen writers of America are striking! I don't know what this means really except that there will be lots of new reality television shows on the television box!

Godzilla has been out of work for a long time and will cross any picket line to get a gig! I could be a scab writer or wait wait wait it might be time for the Godzilla MOVIE OF MY LIFE MOVIE OF THE WEEK!

In the intrest of long term financial security I would like very much to host a game show. In my home country game shows are a big deal and I have much experience in this medium! I love shouting and obsticle courses and bad talent shows! It is the basis of all Japanese TV! And you don't need a writer to get it done! I could just be Godzilla on tv and there would be magic, really!

I want to host a new kind of Gong Show! People come on and show me their futile attempts at amusing me and instead of gonging them I'LL EAT THEM!

Two birds, one stone! Food for me, television for America, the country I have grown to love (and am forced to live in, thanks to the Bater)

So hear me studio mogul tyrants! I am Godzilla and I am used to being abused. I will work for whatever paltry contract the screen writers of America are currently working for, really and be happy about it. No DVD royalites needed!

Call me babe! Let's Do Lunch!
Godzilla

godzilla is shilling the punk ass bitches show
Tuesday 11-06-2007 4:30pm PT

If you can't read the small print:

PUNK ASS BITCHES SHOW
C/O NEW ROCK 1073
51 ZACA LANE SUITE 100
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA
93401

godzilla hatemail
Friday 11-02-2007 1:41pm PT

Dear Godzilla,

I think you are terrible. How dare you preach the virtues of being lazy to the youths of America. That's not what America is all about. It's about hard work and going to WalMart to buy American products. Go back to Japan!

Love,

Mildred

(This is what Godzilla gets for participating in the Rants and Raves on craigslist!)

Anyway....

Dear Mildred,

As much as I would like to take your advice of going back to Japan, I am a prisoner and am stuck here in your strange land full of strange customs. I am learning the ways the best that I can by watching reality televisions and those hippity hop music videos. My only guide in this world is The Tristan and that is very sad as his life cosists of talking on the radio, being naked with questionable broads and drinking so much even I, Godzilla seasoned master of Rehab, cringe.

But, the saddest thing of all is that you are looking to a Nuclear Lizard from a forgien land to teach the youth of America about American ways and cultures. You are either an idiot or just as lazy as I am.

I was going to say more but I am a firm believer in Team Lazy so I'm done here.
Peace!
Godzilla

not one of my better films
Thursday 11-01-2007 4:44pm PT
All hail Meat Bags,

It is I, former International Superstar Godzilla! I was going through some of my memorabilia the other day and I stumbled up on this:



Godzilla VS Godzilla was not my agent's best idea. He seemed to think we could get TWO salaries for me that way. No such luck, I just ended up having to do a lot of extra acting and needing to beat myself up alot. Not really my finest moment, well not my finest moment before coming to live in this house of humiliation, now every moment of my miserable life is not the finest moment...

Oh sorry. Anyway if anything living with The Tristan, I have learned that being lazy is better than working hard, which is what I used to do! I had the hustle, that's for sure.

These days though, I'm learning it's better to be a captive. Sure I have to write this idiotic blog and live with a pyschotic drunken duck and wash that Stinky Bater's horrible socks and feed him cheese when he's nude but at least I don't have to learn lines anymore. My memory was never great to begin with thanks to Nuclear Mutation but maaaaaan you factor in all the hash and sake a superstar like myself gets thrown at her beak every day and whooo I'm lucky I remember my name. Or my way home.

And no I won't tell you about the time in Japan I woke up in a sewer after a particular night at an opium den. I've been advised by an attourney I once ate that it would be terrible for that night to ever be mentioned again!

Wait, where was I?

Right being lazy rocks
Godzilla

help!
Wednesday 10-31-2007 1:30pm PT
All hail flesh bags,

Since my failed attempt at escape from the New Rock building this morning I have also learned that my captors are out of Pocky. It's Halloween, the day for dressing up like me and getting candy and here I am stuck in this stupid building.

Does anyone want to take a giant nuclear lizard out trick or treating tonight? I promise I will not be drunk (really okay, more drunk than I am right now) and I will not set anything on fire (unless provoked)!

If you want to take me trick or treating, email my Bater! I wanna go!

Ready set, candy me!
Godzilla

I HAVE ESCAPED!
Wednesday 10-31-2007 9:34am PT


All hail!

Imagine my surprise of finding this extra Lizard Mobile laying around the New Rock studios! After much cursing and threatening I got the thing running and was able to make it all the way down the hall before the battery died. Then I fell off.

As a result I am still captive of these idiots here and wish to be killed immediately for shaming myself and my country!

Pass the Sammurai sword!
Godzilla

Swift and decisive action!
Thursday 10-25-2007 12:18pm PT
This is The Tristan here, and I am ANGRY!!



Know this Stephanie Bell!! The country of Tristantanople does not negotiate with terrorists (btw, just by calling you a terrorist per the PATRIOT act I can have you thrown in gitmo for an indescriminant amount of time).

Though my assistant Godzilla can be whinny, annoying, preachy, smelly, and occationally pregnant, she is still my assistant and I will not tolerate ANYONE not treating her right!! If she is hurt at all you will feel my wrath! Expect a campain of shock and awe consisting of empty gin bottles and interns to be bombarding your office soon.

Yelling,
The Tristan

I've been taken hostage!
Thursday 10-25-2007 10:12am PT
Dear Readers and Bater,

That Bell person has taken me hostage! It's not my fault really. The Bater took me to work yesterday and that fat idiot forgot me here. Bell got here this morning and found me locked in her office. Lucky for me she had some Pocky to feed me. You know, because I'm Japanese.

But in more humilating events for the Bater, she dressed me up in her American Baseball Headcover and made me write a message to the Bater!

Bell says it's because Tristan is a Communist and doesn't like baseball so I am a political prisoner or something. Actually I don't care if I get rescued or not because Bell still lets me on the computer while I'm trapped in her office and she has a TON of Pocky. I don't really know why Hello Kitty doesn't like it here. She still hasn't said a word since I got here. I don't know why she's soooo Hollywood all of a sudden.

Don't Rescue Me!
Godzilla

celeb sighting

I can't believe it, I ran into my former BFF Hello Kitty when I was visiting The Tristan at work yesterday. Apparently she's been kidnapped by that Bell creature that The Bater hangs out with and is actually tied to her keyboard! And I thought my master (bater) was bad! Oddly enough Kitty didn't have much to say. I fear the life has been beaten out of her by that heartless Bell.

In other news The Bater has forbidden me to talk about this American Baseball Serries of the World on the television tonight because he says that baseball is dumb.

Look for more pictures of me soon or check out my myspace.

Love from the bay,
Godzilla

godzilla goes to lunch

it's true i'm a social networker

it's true, i'm a social networker
Friday 10-19-2007 8:59am PT
http://www.myspace.com/godzillaofmorrobay

Add me please!

rock!
Wednesday 10-17-2007 12:34pm PT
All Hail Legions of the Bater,

It is I, the disgruntled and unhappy Godzilla. You see today The Tristan dictated a myspace bulletin to me about how he was going out to a bunch of fun shows at the Downtown Brew like TSOL tonight. Godzilla LOVES PUNK ROCK, one of my favorite bands is The Boredoms.

Of course I begged The Tristan to take me but he said that the last time he tried to take me to a show I squashed a bouncer and lit a baracade on fire with my nuclear breath. I told him that was back in my drinkin' days and he pointed out that I was drinking right that second... Actually I'm finishing the rest of his beer right now to spite him.

So loyal flesh bags, I will not be joining The Bater tonight. Instead he has me transcribing stats for his beloved St Louis Rams. This shouldn't take long.

You should go to the show and kick him. Tell him it's:

From Godzilla, with Love.

oktoberfest chicken dance

OKTOBERFEST CHICKEN DANCE

Add to My Profile | More Videos

i don't lie

i am not a liar
Monday 10-08-2007 2:45pm PT
All hail faithful readers,

I can not believe it but the Bater lied to me about Oktoberfest. Not only did he not give me a ride to Oktoberfest or get me a ticket, he drugged me so I slept through it.

I really wanted to meet you all and sing German songs with you. I had been learning colorful German slang to entertain you with but alas, the Jackass strikes again.

I hate my job,
Godzilla

meet godzilla

meet godzilla
Friday 10-05-2007 10:58am PT
All Hail Doomed Fleshbags!

It is I, Godzilla, Lizard Superstar.

Finally I am going to be making a personal appearance this weekend along side of the The Bater and the other idiots who work at the New Rock. I get to go to Oktoberfest. Finally my master is not so cruel! Sausage and beer as far as the eye can see.

Unfortunately my dirndl didn't show up in the mail so I will not be in traditional costume. :(

But I'm ready to go! Let's go now! I'll drive!


The Lizard Mobile is gassed and fully cleansed of ran over meter maids! Let's rock!

der Abschaum der menschlichen Gesellschaft!
Godzilla

GODZILLA LIGHTER
Wednesday 10-03-2007 4:11pm PT
All Hail Humans!

The Tristan says I have to blog even though I feel terrible still from the bad fish. So here is a picture of me as a lighter.


See me there next to Shrek. I'm awesome.

Flame on!
Godzilla

sorry

sorry
Wednesday 10-03-2007 10:01am PT
All hail,

Just a quick note before I drag my scaleybutt back to bed. Perky has poisoned Godzilla. She brought me a fish head and I have been sick since then.



Ugh. Bad fish. Godzilla smash...

Barf.

sadzilla

sadzilla
Wednesday 09-26-2007 1:29pm PT
All hail worthless readers,

Godzilla here still trapped in the basement at Three Stacks and a Rock.

The Bater wouldn't allow me to make a very important phone call to a new prospective agent yesterday because he said my blog about wanting a vacation was insolent. As a result I refuse to blog today!


Except of course here I am blogging about not blogging like some kinds of idiot. The longer I live in this house the dumber I get.

I want to audition for Big Brother. I have a lot of experience with living with crazy idiot people.

The Funyuns are always out of reach,
Godzilla

Godzilla needs a vacation
Tuesday 09-25-2007 3:26pm PT
All Hail Stupid Human Snot Mongers,

I, Godzilla, Greatest Japanese Actress of all TIME need a vacation. I'm tired. My scales are dull and losing their color. I have ulcers which I bet you didn't think was possible since I have fire breath, but no it is. I walk around the house of my Master (bater) and drink Pepto Bismol out of a bottle all day and plead with The Tristan to let me go away for a weekend, but no avail.

I have been cooped up in the house since I got a parking ticket a couple of months ago, aside from my most recent visit to the emergency room. In fact going to the ER is the only way I can get a break from tending to my Master's endless affairs. It is always "Godzilla make me a pie" or "Godzilla get me a 50 gallon drum of lye and some limes and don't ask any questions." Or "Lizard Ho, rub mustard on me and..." I forgot I'm not supposed to talk about that.

Either way this is one tired Nuclear Lizard / Former Actress/ Prisoner. Godzilla would like a cruise to the Bahamas or even a weekend back in my home of Japan where I could consume saki and sushi with wreckless abandon. As it is, I can't even get take-out here. All the Bater feeds me is spam.

Anyway I would love to sit here and share my misery more but the Bater needs me to change the oil on his car.

Greasy baby,
Godzilla

The sad story of Tristan and Britney Spears
Tuesday 09-18-2007 4:07pm PT
All Hail Puny Humans,

The Tristan has instructed me to stop whining about my 3rd degree burns on my nostrils and to blog about how he ruined Britney Spears' career.

You see dear readers a long long time ago The Tristan was in the auditions to become a member of the new Mickey Mouse club. His contemporaries included Justin Timberlake and that Xtina broad. And of course young Miss Spears.

One rehersal Britney flipped her lid because The Bater stole her spotlite dance with Justin and had Tristan kicked off of the show. You see she was just firing bitches left and right then too. Anyway all the other girls on the show got together and threw The Bater a going away party. As is still the case today the chicks dug the Bater. At least that's what his largeness keeps telling me.

It was at this party that The Bater started Britney on a long road to ruin. Even though she didn't like The Tristan she came to the party anyway because even at 12 she was quite the party girl. And it bit her in the hair extensions because that day was the day she started her longest and most dangerous addiction...

Cheetos.

The Bater LOVES cheetos and will spend hours alone in his room chomping down on the cheesey puffed corn and smear the cheese dust EVERYWHERE. He still does this, I know because even though I, Godzilla am a terrible nuclear lizard, he still makes me do his laundry.

Well The Tristan shared some of his orangey cheesey chips with her, because even though she got him fired, deep down inside the Bater is a nice guy. You should've seen this girl hoover down this bag of chips. She couldn't shovel them in fast enough! Her manager stepped in and finally wrestled the bag away but the damage was done... Brit Brit had a taste for the gas station delight known as the Cheeto and it would prove to be her undoing in the future!

That Bater, he's so clever, he saw her downfall YEARS in advance and just gave her that little cheesy push over the edge. Or at least that's what he told me to write or he'd beat me some more. He's already hidden my burn cream and I've had to start putting sour cream on my nose. Nostrils. Snout. What does a giant lizard call that anyway?

Mmm smells like dinner,
Godzilla

new rock does have a myspace

Yes, NEWROCK has a MySpace page
Saturday 09-15-2007 2:19pm PT
This is ACTUALLY Tristan bloggin right now, Godzilla doesn't have the literary nuance to understand this kind of thing.....

Copied from the NEWROCK MySpace

Tristan here Rockers,

Okay, I have a MySpace pet peeve to share with you guys. Ever since we've been given the ability to show "moods" on MySpizzle I have enjoyed being drunk, excited, working, and bored. And I really have to applaud the myriad of emotions I am constrained to (quasi-oxymoron intended), but there is one emotion I believe is being abused:

quixotic [kwik-sot-ik]
–adjective
1. (sometimes initial capital letter ) resembling or befitting Don Quixote.
2. Extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable.
3. Impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.
-ref. dictionary.com

Now, I have always loved this word, probably portending from my love of The Ingenious Hidalgo himself, and I see people putting this up as their mood for almost no related reason to its definition, because it is a goofy looking word. I can see, at times, that you all are using it for the word's 3rd definition; what you don't realize is that the impulsive/unpredictable definition is to be taken in the context of the nomenclature.

So unless you are a knight errant, your temporary (or even fixed) aberration takes the form of a descent into fantastical insanity born of chivalrous novels where your either literal or metaphorical journey finds you stealing a barber's basin that obviously is the mythic Mambrino's helmet, battling men for the shear reason that you perceived them to be "insulting" your fictitious girlfriend, or you are experiencing a melancholy return to sanity following a complete disillusionment in everything you believe in please please PLEASE do not use this word delinquent.

It is one of the great beauties of our silly language that we have words as whimsically useless and specific as quixotic. I would hope we could all do what we can to foster this absurdity; there are literally TENS of neologists out there that rely on dorks like me to make sure that inutile words are kept that way to put food on the table.

-That being said, I believe my monitor has turned into a venomous duck.

Rock on
Tristan

p.s. I'm still searching for my Dulcinea… *sigh*
p.p.s. This is what it is like to be in my head... terrifying isn't it?

I added all the links because I think that if you do the myspace thing, you should be out friend.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!
Friday 09-14-2007 6:59pm PT
Actually it's more like a slayer CD than a chicken dinner... but w/e


The winner of the caption contest!!!!


Congratulations to an as yet unnamed person who emailed me this... if s/he doesn't get back to me in a week or so i will pick my second favorite.

i love making fun of myself

Rock on
Tristan

yo yo yo
Thursday 09-13-2007 3:45pm PT
Yo Kidz,

Perky here. That dumb broad Godzilla burned herself up pretty bad yesterday snorting while she laughed. You'd think her 400 year old butt would've learned by now but nope. She couldnt learn something if you crammed it down her throat. Or covered it in beer.

But I digress. The reason I'm sittin' in for her today is just to tell y'all to enter the caption contest below. You'll see it in the entry with the picture of The Bater measuring his hardware. I mean.... make your own caption.

I gotta get a new job,
Perky

lolerskates
Wednesday 09-12-2007 1:37pm PT
All Hail!

I was going to blog today but I, the great and powerful Godzilla have just seen this!

And honestly I can not stop LOL-ing at the genius of I Can Has Cheezeburger. The problem with chronic nuclear lizard LOL-ing is that fire comes out of your nose when you LOL and so I need to go to the Emergency Room again. Ouch.

Please tune in tomorrow for the real reason behind the Britney Spears breakdown and bad VMA dancing because it's all The Bater's fault. He told me in a drunken stupor last night while chasing me around with that blonde wig again.

Please enter caption contest below.

Ouch, to the burn center,
Godzilla

it's hard to be a lizard
Tuesday 09-11-2007 8:23pm PT
All Hail!

As the resident chronicaler of The Bater's Life I would like to share a new photo with you.

We really don't know what he was talking about there either. However as far is it goes this is really Perky's best work yet.

We'd love it if you would send us your favorite caption for the above photo, as I, Godzilla am tired and old. My brain is full of mush because The Bater has me keeping track of all of his football scores. I don't know if this is some kind of new torture for me, but SportsCenter, I tire of you. If I ever get out of this basement I will eat your stupid orange faces.

I dream of the taste of Brylcreme!
Godzilla

One more for the road
Friday 09-07-2007 4:04pm PT

All hail putrid festering meat fleshes,The Bater is forcing me to remind you that this weekend is all about football and he would like you to cast all of your voodoo spells in favor of his beloved Rams.As I am a hired hand (and unwilling hostage) I must relay this request despite my own football team preferences. Besides, being Japanese I like baseball better.Whoo and or Hoo!Godzilla

remember when i was cool
Friday 09-07-2007 4:02pm PT
All Hail!

One of my many fans sent me this photo from a film set in Japan.

I used to be so bad ass.

I learned this phrase Bad Ass yesterday. It apparently means I was a hipster cool kid and rocked socks.

I hate socks, they never fit.

Perky has gotten me hooked on these 'Merican drinks called Emergency Drinks. Apparently all the big 'Merican stars drink this Rockbar beverage and run faster and play harder. Reminds me of my days as an international superstar...

I also have an undying urge to clean the bathroom. With a q-tip. The Bater will be pleased to have a clean place in which to vomit his overindulgence in alcohol.

Zoom Zoom,
Godzilla

more reader mail
Thursday 09-06-2007 4:23pm PT
Dear Godzilla,

I bet you are very beautiful. What is your A/S/L? Wanna cyber? Pic for pic?

*smooshie kiss*
MacDaddiEZ250@aol.com

Dear Insolent Human,

The Bater has forbidden me from trading PICS FOR PICS with internet preditors. I will not disclose my age, sex or location. I do not want to cyber. Godzilla is not amused. If I was allowed to leave the house I would burn your face with my nuclear Fire Breath AND THEN EAT YOU! You are gross. Never write to me again.

Thank you for saying I am beautiful. You are right, for a 400 year old nuclear she-lizard I am holding up very well.

All hail,
Godzilla

dont try this at home
Friday 08-31-2007 1:05pm PT
All hail Minions of the Beast!

The Bater has said I can not come out of the basement for my daily walk until I share these pictures. Since the above photo proves that The Bater is deeply stupid, I am glad to do it. Everyone knows champagne doesn't fit in a pint glass. Idiot.



The Idiot claims that this person is his friend. I do not believe him. I have never seen this guy chained up in our basement and The Tristan assures me that's how he treats all of his friends. I am begining to think that he lies.... alot.

I refuse to do more because I haven't had my walk. And I can't remember the last time that jerk let me have a beer. He's taken to drinking them all when he is home. Perky too.

Peace out fools
Godzilla

end of my strike
Thursday 08-30-2007 12:42pm PT
All Hail Blah blah blah

The Tristan has ended my blogging strike by tying me to the desk until he sees improvement in my attitude. I fear I will be here for a long time as today I, Godzilla, am in a terrible mood.

You see last night before I was confined to this very uncomfortable typing device I was flipping through the channels on The Bater's rather large television set and what did I see but MYSELF ON THE TELEVISION! Yes in the terrible American version of Godzilla starring my nemisis Matthew Broderick. I almost set the living room on fire swearing with my fire breath. How dare that short idiot be on my television!

I know what you're thinking, that I should be getting a fat royalty check in the mail every time that disaster movie is on television but alas since I ate my agent, I never get any of that stuff anymore. No one seems to believe I am who I say I am since I also accidently ate my passport.

How I could be confused with someone else, I'll never know. You humans are ridiculous and I don't feel inclined to learn your ways anymore. It's bad enough I had to sort of learn English and get more 'Merican for that fat idiot I work for. All I do all day is say ridiculous things like "true 'dat" and "money baby that's friggity fresh roll dawg." He has also taken to making me wear a sideways baseball cap.

If I didn't know any better I would think I was turning into Jamie Kennedy and eat myself.

Misery, you are my only friend.

Clawcramp,
Godzilla

why not me
Tuesday 08-28-2007 4:04pm PT
All hail minions of The Bater,

Godzilla here, mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!

You might ask yourself why I, Godzilla, International Superstar and Prisoner of the Bater would be mad. Well for one I'm sick of this basement. The Tristan never takes me anywhere anymore. Only Perky, that no good drunk duck!

They come home with the camera full of pictures from partying at various bars in the county and expect me to upload them onto the blog while I've been at home washing cheese corn out of The Tristan's shirts and pants. This might sound easy but have you ever seen what cheese corn does to pockets?

I love to party too. I can throw back the sake with the best of them but I am constantly left at home with excuses like "You're too big for the car," "That bar doesn't allow Lizards," and "The last time we took you anywhere you ate a meter maid and burned down McCarthys." (Ooops)

I out and out refuse to post The Bater's pictures on here until he takes me somewhere.

Or more importantly and accurately until he fixes the USB port on my computer. Perky puked in it again and I am NOT cleaning that up.

On Strike,
Godzilla

im being stalked
Friday 08-24-2007 4:53pm PT
Dear Readers,

Help me! One of The Tristan's listeners is stalking me. He calls, he sends emails and I'm pretty sure he lurks outside of the basement window!

He also says beer is for losers! I am distraught.

Please understand that I am a one man lizard. My heart belongs to the Tristan even as I plot to eat his face and deep fry the rest of him with my nuclear fire breath. I mean I love Tristan, he is only man for me. Ever!

If you see some weird guy trying to sneak up on my backside to get turned on by my nuclear breath, please hit him in the head! Save my green tail!

I'm scurrrred.
Godzilla

reader mail
Thursday 08-23-2007 12:27pm PT
Dear Godzilla,

I saw this silly looking lizard on the internet:

Is this you? Is this some kind of joke? Don't LIE TO ME WOMAN!
Regards,
Cletus

Dear Cletus,

Thank you for bringing back more painful memories of when I, Godzilla was an international super star. Back in the day you could find my face on EVERYTHING in the world, toys, lunchboxes, condoms, silly stuffed toys, etc. I was bigger than Britney Spears and on top of the world.

But as I have mentioned before Matthew Broderick ruined all of that for me and I will eat his stupid never aging face if I ever run into his short ass again. He is a disgrace to my good name.

I weep for the days of old when I had a personal driver, a sushi chef and all the Japanese school girls I could ask for (for educational purposes of course!) but now I'm stuck in this basement in Morro Bay working for The Bater. Trust me his minor local celebrity can not buy a fraction of what I had before and my quality of life has suffered.

That, and he beats me daily. Like a rooster that owes him money. Strangely enough in this wacky house we do not have a rooster and if we did it probably would owe some one money.

My only joys in life are waiting to hear back from television producers about the Godzilla reality show. Unfortunately my telephone calls aren't taken quite as fast as they used to be and no one seems to believe I can now email and type.

I knew eating my agent would bite me in the tail later on.

Oh and Cletus, you obviously have some women issues. Work them out before you offend me with your ranting again.

Oh who gives a crap,
Godzilla

perky ruins all my fun
Thursday 08-23-2007 12:19pm PT
All hail and all that...

Perky just told me the purpose of rehab is to get sober, not to go on vacation. And really who goes white water rafting sober?

The television has been LYING TO ME!

Sadly,
Godzilla

feelin blue
Wednesday 08-22-2007 3:22pm PT
All Hail Human Wastes of Space!

First of all this:

Scares me! I don't need more than one Perky around. Especially one's that are obviously evil. Something is wrong!

Second of all, I want to go to rehab. I've been watching the television and reading the blogs of other celebrity bloggers and it seems as though all the cool kids are going to rehab these days. And they are canoing and hiking with furry beast dogs and getting massages.

This sounds better than Godzilla's day to day life of cheerlessness where the highlight of my day is rinsing The Tristan's socks after a night of gin consumption. It's truly a highlight when ALL I have to rinse out of his socks is gin... *shudder*

I live in a basement in freaking MORRO BAY and I don't get nearly enough sunshine or fun in my life. I don't see what makes Lindsay Lohan so special that she gets to ride a boat and walk dogs after she wrecked a car. I bet if I wrecked The Bater's stupid ugly car, he'd just beat me, not send me to summer camp.

Needless to say, Godzilla is depressed. Time to go watch one of those SPECIAL dvd's that The Bater keeps in the SECRET closet.

Clicky click,
Godzilla

listener email
Thursday 08-16-2007 4:06pm PT
All Hail Party Human Filth Bags,

Today Godzilla was offered some love from Listener Andy!

Foolish human, only The Tristan is allowed to love me! I am a one man lizard. I do not have time for you and your human love!

I realize I am a beautiful green color and am full of amusing stories about my days as a can can dancer in Rome but you must keep your adoration to yourself. I am unable to accept this offer of love from you. No! It is never to be fragile human life force.

As always thank you for your letter and your continued support of My Man. Don't forget that Perky is a single gal too so perhaps you should turn your love towards her.

Applesauce,
Godzilla.

we dont know why hot chicks talk to him either
Wednesday 08-15-2007 12:45pm PT
But for some reason they do....

another day, another mess
Wednesday 08-15-2007 12:34pm PT
All hail my non puke covered peeps....

Godzilla here. I would've been here yesterday but I couldn't get out of the bathroom long enough to blog for you.

No no no, it wasn't that.

See The Tristan(bater) and Perky went to a bottomless mimosa thing on Sunday and every since something has been pretty bad in the house of The Bater. Perky won't stop puking and The Tristan keeps yelling something about champagne being the devil and buckets and yelling for more asprin. So between dealing with Perky and taking care of My Man I have had my lizard hands full.

We have some pictures somewhere but Perky keeps puking on the camera cord almost the second I clean it off.

Needless to say I think The Tristan and Perky found the bottom of the mimosas. I would've warned them of the dangers but as usual I was not invited. I had to stay home and mend socks for The Tristan.

I need a raise,
Godzilla

reader mail
Friday 08-10-2007 9:42am PT
Dear Godzilla,

What the hell is wrong with you? Reality television rots your brain. You seem like such a smart, beautiful woman and our time together at Universal Studios was magical. You seem so unhappy in your new job. Run away from your cruel master and come back to me!

Love,
T-Rex from Jurrasic Park

--------------------------

Dear T-Rex,

You know I am a one woman lizard and now by no choice of my own, The Tristan is my man. He has insisted I lose this accent he says I have and learn to become more 'Merican. I don't know what a Merican is but they seem to watch a lot of this reality television and get famous for nothing. As you know I long for my days of bitchez and blingz and this seems to be the way to go here in the States, foo.

My 'Merican is all up in your grill, you know what I mean homeslice?

Excuse me, I have go to throw a chair at Perky. She was mad doggin' me and according to the Jerry Springer, this is how we resolve conflict. Don't front, this is how I roll.

Don't worry I don't know what the hell I'm saying either.

Peace out bitch,
Godzilla

godzilla wants a reality show
Wednesday 08-08-2007 4:11pm PT
All hail putrid human meat sacks!

So the other night I was thinking about something... why does every jerk on Earth have a reality show but I, Godzilla, bonafide international super star do not?

I mean do we really care what that bimbo Paris Hilton ate at camp? I've seen some of her movies as The Tristan has them in the special box and really there is no talent there. And I'm a much better shade of green than she is!

Or... what about Brett Michaels from Poison. He's got this show called Rock of Love where it's all these hoochies and former strippers killing themselves to be his girlfriend! He probably doesn't even have all of his hair anymore or he'd take his hat off sometime! Plus he probably can't breathe fire like I can! Who wants to watch that?

I could even see myself on some new celebrity work out show. Gettin' Buffed with Godzilla or something. I'm a little shaky on the title but I have great diet tips and have found that an annoying talkative alcoholic rubber duck makes a great subsitute for a pilates ball.

There are more of these stupid shows, like this Rock of Life which follows this band Whitestar around which are basically only famous because the singer used to do the horizontal mambo with one of those girls on the OC. I think it was the mom. Anyway who wants to watch that when they can watch me?

My typical day would be amazing. I wake up The Tristan around Noon Thirty and clean all the loose women or vomit off of him. I love bathing my man! I make sure he's nice and presentable and then hurry off to get him a beer. Sometimes on the weekend I flame broil breakfast with my mouth!

Or could you imagine following me in the Godzilla Mobile as I shop for 40 gallon drums of gin and Rosa's lime juice? Or when Godzilla goes bar hopping?

And really you haven't lived until you've seen a nuclear lizard get down at a shady massage parlor!

My show would own all others and yet no one has had the brains to sign me while I'm cheap and without an agent. I really need to stop eating those guys, but they irritate me with their 15% of my earnings crap.

Anyway if you're out there network boss's I want to be a star!

Have your people call mine,
Godzilla

notes from the tristan
Friday 08-03-2007 11:25am PT
All Hail!

The Tristan would like me to inform you that he is done behaving. He will soon be upon your puny human village like the fist of an angry god. He will pillage your village. Your women. Your booze. Might as well kiss it goodbye because the big guy is lose!

The Tristan(bater) would also like me to tell you all he liked seeing your stupid human faces at the fair last week. You please him with your attendence to things he tells you to go to. Perky and I think you also swell his already overly large head and ego spot with this nonsense, but what do we know? We just have to live with the guy.

Speaking of life in the Bater's household, lets just say we've been enjoying the man's collection of movies while he has been out working so much. Let's just say we don't call him the Master(bater) for nothin! This is some fine cinema if I do say so myself! Who knew humans could do so many interesting things with a twister mat! I obviously have much to learn about your ways and customs.

Now if only I could figure out this Wii thing. You would think, being from Japan that this would be easy but you try playing it with its tiny remote with my stupid clawed hands. I'm in shock the Japanese did not think of this as there are many of my kind in my homeland.

Uh oh the Master(bater) stirs. I must get these dvd's back in order or I'm sure he'll beat me... more than he normally does.

Pass the remote,
Godzilla

go see my man again!
Wednesday 08-01-2007 3:14pm PT
All Hail!

Godzilla has a hell of a headache today for some reason. I woke up to find a baseball bat and some duck feathers in my bed but I know it's best to not jump to concluisons where that @#!&%#! duck is concerned.

Anyway puny stupid humans, The Master(bater) is appearing at the Midstate Fair again tonight. You can find him from 6p-9p at something called the Atascedero Ford Broadcast Center. He has promised to bring me some cotton candy so if you see The Bater, remind him that his loving Nuclear Lizard would like some sugar shock please.

I wonder if my I can make orange duck instead of orange chicken for dinner tonight.... I MEAN GO TO THE FAIR AND SEE TRISTAN.

Sticky Orange Sauce,
Godzilla

Tristan hates heat
Monday 07-30-2007 11:29am PT
All Hail!

The Tristan came home from the Midstate Fair yesterday dying of thirst and in dire need of removing his clothes. Now this is very usual for him but this was URGENT.

Apparently it is very hot in this Paso Robles. Godzilla wouldn't know since I stayed home all day scrubbing the basement floor after Perky's latest drinking binge. I don't know how that little duck can barf so much but man she can really let loose...

Anyway if you don't believe us, The Tristan took a picture of the Weather Center at the New Rock area.

Man I'm glad Lizards aren't allowed at the fair after all. It might be too hot for even me, Godzilla, loyal slave to The Tristan.

Good grief he still wants another beer.

Love and bottle openers,
Godzilla

go see my man!
Saturday 07-28-2007 12:28pm PT
All Hail!

The Tristan will be broadcasting live from the Midstate Fair tomorrow afternoon from 3p-7p with that Bell character. I will not be in attendance since the fair doesn't allow you to bring in your own Nuclear Lizard. I think this absurd since they have cows there. I mean COWS are much more disgusting than I am. I am toilet trained!

Anyway stop by and see my big guy in action. It's a sight to behold!

Hopefully he'll put the gun down now and let me get back to my crossword puzzle... I mean TRISTAN IS SO HOTTTTT.

Sigh,
Godzilla

my life story

reader mail
Thursday 07-26-2007 1:21pm PT
All Hail Puny Filthy Egg Eaters!

Godzilla in the house to answer some GodzillaBlog mail.

GodzillaBlog reader Martin wrote to ask:

Dear Godzilla,

You used to have such a fine movie career! You are a shell of your former self! Why are you so pathetic? Why do you whine? What went wrong you overgrown sea slug?

Piss Off!
Martin

Dear Martin,

You were a fool to leave your return address on this letter as I will surely eat your stupid human face you zit infested loser! However I will answer your question.

You see when I was a young starlet in Japan I could do no wrong. I fought King Kong, chilled and drank the sake with Mothra. Life was good! I made a ton of great movies and loads of people wanted to have t-shirts and toys made with my gorgeous likeness on them! I was living the big pimpin' life.

Then my agent said "Godzilla," we have to try to get you more in the American Audience." My agent seemed to think you useless Americans had some money we needed or something like that. He was deeply stupid and I soon ate him. However I wasn't able to do so before he conned me into staring in an American remake of the movie that is also named after me, Godzilla.

You see he told me movie would star BIG AMERICAN ACTION STAR and that I would be so rich I could wipe my tail with gold bricks if I wanted to. He also told me this while I was bombed out of my mind on sake in a massage parlor. You can see where this is leading.

I wake up in America with a hangover and find myself meeting Matthew Broderick for the first time. This puny human was to be my co-star? I was doing an action picture with FREAKIN FERRIS BUELLER? Even I am not so stupid as to think this would work and I'm A GIANT NUCLEAR LIZARD who obviously had a drinking problem or I wouldn't have been on this stinkin' backlot.

Unfortunately my grasp of your babbling English language was limited at the time and every one seemed to think I was having a great time. Oh look at that funny Godzilla into the sake again, such a party girl! Really I was just as usual trying to end my own life.

To cheer myself up I ate my agent.

Once the filming for this wretched movie was over I tried to get back on the plane to go home only to find I had eaten my passport when I ate my agent. I accidently set the customs agent on fire with my nuclear breath and was soon arrested.

It was as they say on your junky American t.v. a dark time for Godzilla.

After my jail time was up I worked some odd jobs. I filled in for T-Rex out in Palm Springs for awhile when he needed to get some work done on his teeth.



That job sucked. It was hot and the other DinoBabe there isn't much of a talker. Seriously it was like talking to a freakin' wall.

After that I worked the Jurrassic Park ride in Universal Studios for awhile. You'd really think movie people could tell I am not a T-Rex but whatever, I work for cheap and don't really have a passport so I take what I can get.




All the other theme park workers told me portraying T-Rex was a huge honor but really, I'M FREAKIN GODZILLA! HELLO.

Many heart breaks later I ended up in SLO spending the last of the money I made eating a liquor store clerk and passed out drunk in the streets. I came to, finding myself prisoner of The Tristan. At least he understands I'm not a T-Rex.

So that's how I came to be here... my life was ruined by Matthew Broderick and if I ever see his little musical theater doing ass again he's toast.... literally.

Flame On
Godzilla

tristan hate sunburn
Tuesday 07-24-2007 11:46am PT
All Hail the Large Red Master(bater)!

Godzilla here. This is a short blog today as our fearless leader has a sunburn and I have been given the task of applying burn cream to his stupid human skin. Really, even Nuclear Lizards who don't burn know you should wear sunscreen. Apparently our Master(bater) thinks he is more powerful than the sun. And the sun has kicked his formerly pasty ass.
I don't know who this girl is. I do know I will eat her perfect face if I ever see her standing with The Tristan again! Puny Human! You are no match for Godzilla!

I mean... look at the pretty girl that The Tristan has captured and made his slave. She makes cookies in the kitchen as we speak. I am a great fan of this gorgeous concubine of The Tristan.

The Master (bater) beckons. Apparently this aloe stuff burns if you put it in the wrong place and Perky has just informed me that The Tristan has done just that. Again. While shouting "Mommy."

I question my reason for living,
Godzilla

tristan hate hangover
Friday 07-20-2007 1:48pm PT
Godzilla in the house.

Tristan says to tell you he has a hangover. And to also tell you he will not apologize for ravishing all your women San Luis Obispo, so stop asking.

(And ignore my tears of pain as Tristan no longer ravishes me!)

And really I'm not paying that parking ticket since we're on the subject. I assume it was still in the meter maids book when I... I mean she walked off.

So stop calling. The Tristan has a headache and is ralphing again. I wish it was Perky's turn at bathroom duty but some how it never is.

Pass me the mop,
Godzilla

godzilla hate parking meter
Thursday 07-19-2007 4:45pm PT
All hail and crap,So today The Tristan sent me out to buy him another 40 gallons of gin and some other assorted things downtown. I parked my special Lizard Mobile and left what I considered to be a fair deal in order to use this stupid human parking space.

A giant squid and green soda are more than fair for use of a parking space around my people. Apparently not here though. I came back to find a big freakin ticket on my Lizard Mobile. Man The Tristan is going to be burnt at me. I just got done being grounded for almost getting him arrested and then I go right out and get into more trouble.

I considered eating or melting the meter maid but I was reminded that Perky told me that they were fearsome creatures. Even more fearful creatures than the Great And Powerful Godzilla.

I pleaded with the meter maid explaining that the gifts in the space next to the Lizard Mobile were in exchange for use of the space but she told me I needed something called change to feed the meters. I think this is stupid. Meters obviously DO NOT EAT and when she showed me what change was I tried to explain to her that Nuclear Lizards DON'T WEAR PANTS. We don't have pockets. She just kept writing on the little piece of paper and threatened to put a boot on my car which again made no sense. Cars also do no wear clothes. I think this woman was a lunatic.

I really almost ate her. I was hungry anyway. I promise I didn't really. And honestly pay no attention to that golf cart tied to the Lizard Mobile.... I didn't steal it or anything.

Godzilla HATE meter!
oxox
Godzilla

so while...
Wednesday 07-18-2007 4:33pm PT
Everyone knows I am a great Nuclear Lizard.

I am Godzilla after all.

And while I am the biggest and scariest of lizards.... I am afraid of frogs. Frogs of all sizes. I hate them! I am so scared of them and they croak all day and night outside of the window of the house. I can not tell The Tristan to remove them as I am supposed to be scary... not scare.

I am very scared.

Perky threatens to bring them inside since she calls them her "homies" but I know they're villans.

I wish to go back to Japan. But instead I sit here answering the Master(bater)'s emails. And phone calls.

Damn if he doesn't have some boring friends. That Bell character is the worst. So dull!

Anyway I just wanted to let you know if you don't hear from me for awhile the frogs did it.

Viva La France!
Godzilla

at least the cat likes me

i stand corrected
Thursday 07-12-2007 4:20pm PT
All hail Miserable Humans,

Perky just came down to give me my vegitarian gruel and to poke at me with a stick. Also she informed me that Paris Hilton is already out of jail and I shouldn't want to free her anymore.

This is absurd. I have been in basement jail for so long I have lost count. The days turn into weeks and months and I fear I will never see my native Japan again. All I did was fall on a sidewalk in stupid SLO drunk. I didn't drive a car. Lizards can't drive. Even I know that. We crush your tiny cars.

But Paris drove and now she's out of jail and no one even told me. I need her lawyer. I'm sick of being stuck down here.

My gruel is cold. And today it is vegitarian. The cat is looking tasty again. I have grown tired of trying to get drunk from drinking the leftover antifreeze stored down here. It just burns and turns my tounge blue. I imagine this is because of my nuclear mutation but I am unsure.

I should've eaten the duck when I had a chance. Damn The Tristan(bater) for ever making me want to impress him. Now I just want to melt his face again.

We women sure are fickle.
Godzilla

perky is a jerk
Thursday 07-12-2007 9:46am PT
I have proof!


See! The Tristan must be more upset about his duck eating the souls of small furry snacks than he is about me almost burning down the house. This will save me!

I mean The Tristan likes these snack creatures too. He must agree with me that the souls are the tastiest parts!

Free Paris!
Godzilla

godzilla hates lol cats
Monday 07-09-2007 3:34pm PT

See isn't that better than some furry snack with a caption. I love giant robots because I eat them! Rarrrrrrrh.

I am also stuck looking up LOL Bots because I'm grounded to the basement again.



All I did was set my hands on fire. And sit on the duck. And tell you guys about the date I went on with The Tristan. He is now starving me and beating me again like the good old days.

Sigh, it was good while it lasted.
Godzilla

sos

s.o.s
Thursday 07-05-2007 5:38pm PT
Perky here.

I barely survived that Godzilla ho sitting all up on my head the other night but that's NOTHING compared to the trouble she got into over the holiday weekend.

Just as a safety tip: don't try to light fireworks with your fire breath in the event you are a giant nuclear lizard. Especially if you're a STOOPID one. That dumb lizard blew up 47 piccalo petes in her dumb face the other night and lit that stupid wig on fire she's been wearing since she went out with The Tristan.

And man That Jerk was MAD AS HELL! The fire department had to come and he got a ticket for having a nuclear animal outside of the jurasdiction for such things. Oh and he also got a ticket for all the bottle rockets I stole and blamed on Godzilla. She was already in trouble for sitting on me so I figured what the hell and framed the broad.

So now Godzilla is back in the dog house but I'm still blogging because her claws are still all bandaged up. When she emailed me from the basement it said:

io9oiw98w34787UY SD890RUWJUZWSUY7VHlkj


Which I think means "You have to blog today"

So yeah. Tristan still sucks because he was being nice to such a stupid lizard and Godzilla is dumber than I thought.

Once I get the keys to that ugly little car of his, I'm out of here.

Flyin' the coop,
Perky

hatin ass hoes

hatin' ass ho's betta recognize
Thursday 06-28-2007 1:41pm PT
All Hail the Master of Us All!

It is I, Godzilla, Kept Woman of The Honorable Tristan Man. That evil lying duck Perky will not be blogging today because I have tied her up and sat on her. She is not dead because she continues to beg for mercy.

Beg little one! You have insulted my Man for the last time.

The rumors are true. The Honorable Tristan Man and I are having an office romance. He brings me wonderful gifts of sushi and flowers and ether to drink! I am passed out so much that I am finally caught up on my sleep.

The duck keeps muttering about Stockholme Syndrome but I know that The Honorable Tristan is not a fan of Muse.

Tonight I will be baking him his favorite desert! Deep fried bacon wrapped cupcakes on a pizza. We will feast like king and queen of this infernal town with three stacks and a rock. All who try to stand in my way of pleasing My Man will suffer and die at my wrath.

Unless I am drunk on ether again.

So don't listen to that jealous duck, OUR LOVE IS TRUE! The Honorable Tristan would not lie to me. I am his beloved green goddess!

Uh oh, the duck has stopped squirming I should see if she's flat. Hey if she's dead we can always have roast duck tonight.

Viva La Romance!
Godzilla

ha ha ha godzilla, you're not special

Wednesday 06-27-2007 12:57pm PT

I am so not a fan of that Lizard right now. She thinks she's so special because she's the Master (bater)'s favorite. Not true you green ho! Look he went out with one of the SuperNerds last night!!!!

I bet they held hands too! Take that you snotty Nuclear Lizard.I NEED OUT OF THIS BASEMENT.

HELP

Peace out

Perky

busted

busted
Tuesday 06-26-2007 3:23pm PT
Perky here as Godzilla is still off of work for some reason. She thinks she's the hot izzle right now if you know what I mean. Hopefully posting this picture she took of that #@#$!!! will get her back into the basement and me back out into the bars.

die in a fire

word up from perky
Monday 06-25-2007 1:04pm PT
I don't know what the hell is going on in this house right now but Tristan let Godzilla out of the basement and chucked my duck ass down here. Apparently Godzilla is his new favorite and all she had to do was put on some fancy dress and cuddle a little.

This is an outrage. I'm calling the union.

I was supposed to post pictures of their date on Friday night after the show but I'm not going to. I'm on strike until I get out of this stink pit. Nuclear Lizards really stink up the place. They have terrible breath and you've never lived till you've emptied the Nuclear Lizard Litter Box.

To hell with freakin' Tristan and that Godzilla ho. I'm not pleased.

Die in a fire,
Perky

what happened here?

what happened?
Friday 06-22-2007 2:09pm PT
I woke up this morning in a dress and a wig all askew... Something smells like ether in the basement and I think I have lipstick on.

I'm a nuclear lizard. I do not wear dresses or wigs.

Something is wrong. Very. Very. Wrong.

In other news The Master (bater) seems much happier today and came by and kissed me on the cheek and called me SWEETIE?

And yet... I was too touched to burn off his face! Why oh why did I forsake my only chance at freedom. I could be half way to Japan by now. Curses.

It's true... all women are swayed by the simplest things. We are truly a silly gender.

The Master (bater) wants me to fix him a pie, so it's off to the kitchen.

Just call me,

Martha "Godzilla" Stewart

AH HA! I HAVE YOU NOW BIG GUY

Wednesday 06-20-2007 2:25pm PT
Oh joyous joy! I finally figured out why it is that That Jerk makes me do all the work around here.

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW.

He is not anything to marvel at. Just a mere mortal with incredible luck.

I am A GIANT NUCLEAR LIZARD I will have VENGANCE!!!

Oh and the Master (bater) wanted me to tell you he likes boobs. But more than boobs he likes boobs on bartenders. So go vote for this stinkin' model search this guy keeps ranting about. The happier That Jerk is the less he beats me.

I'm sick of getting beaten. I'm not the rooster who owes him money.

But that's another blog for another time.

My time will come,
Godzilla

dear downtown slo

dear downtown slo
Tuesday 06-19-2007 4:10pm PT
Dear Downtown San Luis Obispo,

The Trisan wishes me to inform you that he has no intention to pay the enormous bill you have sent for his alcohol consumption. He feels it is his right as an avid drinker and all around party guy to slosh and smash where ever he pleases. He does not feel bad or care about the effort you must go through to replace the heroic ammounts of gin and burbon he has consumed in the past twenty four hours.

This goes double for your available women and beer. He wishes for me to tell you that if you don't like this he will lock you in the basement with his "pansy nuclear lizard personal crybaby assistant" and he also would like for me to tell you that if I didn't include that last part he'd make me very sorry that I was ever born.

(I didn't mention to the guy I was hatched from an egg and then mutated, he's got a bit of a hangover)

In closing The Tristan will not pay this tab. And you will like it. He also says "blaaaaarrrggggggh" which I assume is the sound of more vomit being made and my cue to go clean the effin' bathroom again.

I hate my job!

I mean... ALL HAIL THE TRISTAN THE ONLY THING GREATER THAN YOURSELF!

(kill me.)
Godzilla

send death quickly

send death quickly
Thursday 06-14-2007 11:41am PT

My punishment for my insolence continues. That creep Tristan has taken away my meat priviledges. How does he expect a nuclear lizard to live off of tofu? He must be stopped. Someone call PETA.

Wait... does PETA like nuclear lizards?

I'm losing hope and focus. I just want some sushi and a view of the ocean. And alot of saki. And to stop writing this stupid blog.

And also to melt and destroy my warden. Possibly I would like to eat his face.

The duck... she's on my last nerve too. Just prancing away smoking cigars and drinking all the gin and then blaming it on me.

Fighting King Kong seems like cake after this long annoying hell.

Send Tristan emails so at least I have something to read in this dank pit of despair.

Or don't because then I have to write you back and I'm to weak to sit up for very long.

Please Kill Me,
Godzilla

as if my life weren't bad enough

as if my life weren't bad enough

Wednesday 06-13-2007 11:52am PT

All hai... oh screw it.

As a giant nuclear lizard I should rule this stupid planet and all of you on it. But NOOOOO I had to get drunk in stinkin' SLO one night, pass out in the street and wake up chained in a basement by this Tristan guy. My glories are being tarnished enough by this as it is.

And today? Today there are a million freakin ants in the bathroom. Why? Because Tristan can't use the bathroom without a box of doughnuts! You think I'm kidding but the man eats powdered sugar doughnuts and text messages on the can and makes me watch.

My life is hell. I wish I could burn myself up but my head doesn't turn around far enough to burn my tail off.

Please someone just kill me. I can't believe this is my life. I wish for death's sweet release.

Even though lizards have no hair, I am thinking of growing bangs to cover my eyes so I don't have to look at the world with all the shame I behold.Damn you Tristan, Damn you.

Bite me.
Godzilla

The Tristan on the beach

Tuesday 06-12-2007 2:31pm PT

All Hail!The Tristan has instructed me to inform you that he enjoys smoking cigars muchly. And doing it at the beach is much better. Also he would like me to apologize for threatening to boil his flesh with my nuclear fire mouth but I won't do it.

Godzilla needs pocky! Help me please this basement is so terrible and my master (bater) is a jerk!

Until next time or I'm bombed on Saki,

Godzilla

back on the job

back on the job
Thursday 06-07-2007 1:01pm PT

Greetings pathetic human peoples,

After a daring escape attempt this past week I have again been captured by The Tristan.

That little yellow snack of his Perky ratted me out. She unchained me and let me go and told me which bar around here serves GIANT NUCLEAR LIZARDS. Turns out that it's only in Santa Maria where my kind is allowed to drink. How was I to know Perky was sending me to the party that The Tristan was at. I thought she was helping me.

The beatings have ceased but I am under a more watchful eye now. Someday I will get out of this basement and breathe fire all over The Tristan and melt his fleshy little hands. In the mean time I will continue to plot my escape. I am trying to sell myself on Ebay right now. You Americans, you love to buy Japanese junk. So pay up, I have to get out of here!

Oh Noes!

The master is coming.

Godzilla

working here is hard

working here is hard
Wednesday 06-06-2007 3:46pm PT

Yo Kidz, Perky here.

I'm unofficial mascot of the New Rock drinking team

You might have heard about me on the radio. I live with that Tristan jerk and Godzilla. Since that stupid lizard ho has a hang over today I'll be doing the blog.

There was a going away soiree last night for a chick in the Santa Maria offices and as with all classy parties these kids have here, there were some really incriminating pictures shot by yours truly. For a small rubber duck I can really hold my alcohol unlike these bunch of lushes.



Stephanie and our engineer Homeless Josh
Oh bite me, I'm a plastic duck and I've been drinking. I can't hold the camera straight.

Tempanie and Tristan. This girl came to temp here like a month ago and liked us so much she just stayed. We don't pay her anymore though.

Come to think of it that Tristan jerk isn't paying me either so I'm out of here. Freakin' Godzilla better be back tomorrow or I'm gonna have to cut a bitch.

Buzz off!
Perky

feeding the master

Tuesday 06-05-2007 3:46pm PT

Greetings American Styled People,Godzilla here to let you know something. The Tristan loves ridiculous food. Earlier today he was muttering about wanting a cupcake wrapped in bacon.

I'm a terrible fire breathing lizard and even I know that's wrong.

Since The Tristan keeps me chained in a basement answering his calls and emails I can not go through with my plan to get back to Japan and freedom. So if anyone out there reading this could PLEASE bacon wrap a twinkie and deep fry it in beer and get it to me quickly. I want to distract him with it and get out of this place. I need booze and cigarettes and he's not letting me out to get them.

Oh the creature stirs.

Do not delay, time is running out!

Godzilla

from the desk of godzilla

A Note from Godzilla
Monday 06-04-2007 2:40pm PT
Greetings people of America!I am Godzilla personal assistant of The Tristan. I will be handling his blogging from now on. When I am not destroying worlds or fighting Mothra I am here taking care of The Tristan's emails and phone calls. Please email The Tristan today!tristan@newrock1073.comAll hail,Godzilla

tristan on a boat

Tristan totally has a yacht in the Morro Bay harbor. Really.

Tristan's Liver is not dead yet

Tristan's liver has not given up the fight yet. Tristan spent all weekend knee deep in girls and booze. Tristan blogs about himself in the third person.

Tristan went to Mr Ricks on Friday night with Tempanie and Effanie and other various drunken members of the New Rock Staff. Cheers.

Tristan out.